Dear Nanny,
I applied to be a writer today. I know, I know, why don’t I do something more fulfilling with my life? This is a start, isn’t it? It’s not like we didn’t all know my life would lead me to writing eventually, in some shape or form. I’m glad that this road led back to you, in a way.
I was reading all of the “A Letter To My Grandma” posts on the website, trying to think of something to say to you that you don’t already know. The truth is that when I saw things like “You were my first best friend” or “You’re the person I look up to,” I didn’t think of you first. I think we both know and accept that. The truth is, you were neither of those things to me…at least, I didn’t realize that you were.
I miss you, you know? Even though we barely saw each other or spoke for probably the first ten years of my life, you were my rock throughout my teenage years. I could always count on you picking up the phone when I called and letting me stay for days on end. Maw-Maw may have been my "real grandma" and my best friend when I was young, but it turned out you understood teenagers a lot better than she ever has.
I wanted to tell you that I joined a sorority. I haven’t really told them about you all that much, but they’re amazing people and I think you’d love them like your own. I think you’d love them like you loved me, in your own (sometimes grouchy) way. You were my rock, like I said. It’s a lot harder swimming in the ocean when you no longer have something to hold on to.
I think you’d be proud of me today. I’ve done a lot of stupid things, but my heart is where it should be. I can’t help continuing to say that it’s hard without you here. I get hit by sudden waves of sadness over you passing, especially when I have a piece of birthday cake with the good icing, the kind you liked so much. I miss sharing it with you.
I’ve been thinking of coming to visit you downtown sometime soon, but I don’t really think I could handle it. It still hurts, especially since I was away at college when you were getting worse. I honestly can’t think of a worse day, even after all the funerals I’ve been to.
Well Nanny, we miss you. We’re all doing pretty well, considering, but you know how grief is. It'll take awhile and there will be a lot of tears, but we'll survive. I miss you.
Love you always,
Matti
