Dear Mom,

How are you?

That's a silly question, I know how you are, where you are, where you're not. Is it what you'd expect it to be? Are you happier? Who knows, right? Only you know, but you're not here.

I get mad at you sometimes. You'll show up in my dreams and I get this gut wrenching feeling every time I see you because I know I'm gonna wake up. In every dream you're not really dead and that's what makes me mad sometimes. Because that's what it is, a dream. You never talk in my dreams, why is that? Is it because you have nothing to say, or you just don't want to?

I'm a grown woman now. I grew up pretty quickly. I was just a little girl when you died. Seventeen years old, not ready to take on the big cruel world but I had to. I'm really sorry if I hurt you when we had those fights. I don't even remember what they were about, probably just some dumb teenager outburst about nothing important.

Life is weird, Ma. So many things have happened over the last nine years. Good and bad. Amazing and heartbreaking. I could never come to grips with your death and when I finally did I flipped out because I felt like I was forgetting you. You should see Daddy now. He's lost so much weight and has been trying to stay healthy. You'd be so proud of him. He tells me you've been coming to him in his dreams, he gets nervous when he has them. For good reason but you and I both know that he's going to live to 100. The girls are all grown up, the oldest is 21 and the youngest is driving now. Do you believe that? The boys are all grown up now, too; you'd be so proud of all of them.

I wish you were here to meet your niece's kids. They are so fun. The baby girl reminds me of you sometimes, it's like she channels your silliness. You would've loved them so much.

I'll constantly think about what you would do if you were here. Do you get "Game of Thrones" in Heaven? If you do, binge watch it.

My best friend got married and had a baby. She was your second daughter. He's so beautiful and so happy. You would've had so much fun with him, I know she thinks about you a lot and misses you because you had left such a mark in her heart like everyone else who loved you.

I fell in love. Hard. It was so scary, Mom. I didn't want to but it just happened. All I wanted to do was talk to you and tell you all about him. I was so scared to fall in love because I've had such a guard up since you've died. He helped me slowly break down those walls. You would've loved him, you thought he was a good kid when we were younger. He likes when I talk about you because every time I do, he starts to remember you a little bit more.

Everyone I know says whenever I talk about you, it's like you're there; they're loving you and knowing you through me. I appreciate it hearing that but it's hard you know? You're not here to have them know you. Remember the night a few weeks before you died we just stood outside and watched the meteor shower? That's happening again this month. Every time it happens I think of you and how it was just the two of us watching the shooting stars. I never thought that would be one of those last moments with each other.

I put your ashes in Daddy's necklace the other day. I was so scared, Mom. I didn't even look at your body when you died or see any of your remains. I just knew that you were in the marble urn and my butterfly necklace. My hands were shaking when I opened your urn and I looked inside. There you were. I broke down into tears. I put my hand inside. Yes, I put my hand inside your urn and I felt your remains. I don't know why, I think just to touch you one more time. Honestly, I probably looked like a psycho, my head was resting on it and my hand was inside just feeling around. I cried so hard because I was actually getting another form of closure. And I touched a part of you; I haven't been able to do that in nine years.

Every day that goes by I realize that I'm growing stronger and stronger and that's because of you. Every step I take is a step that I admire because I am strong. You know that. Why else would God take you away? To test us? Sorry, Mom, I don't mean to berate the big guy. He knows I'm angry at him. I will be angry with him for a long time. I don't know if I'll ever stop. You didn't stop after Grandma died, and she was gone almost thirty years when you died. How are they by the way? I miss them so much. At least you're not alone wherever you are. I'm sure you were not too pleased to see a few faces join you these last few years. Who knows—you've might've been happy.

My dreams are finally come true with writing Mom. I wish you were here to celebrate with me. After so many years it's finally coming true.

Will you be there whenever I get married? If I have a baby? Will you be there when I turn thirty to watch me cry because I'm getting old? Will you be there when I hit a mid life crisis, and then when it's time to take my last breath? I hope so.

I miss you, Mommy. I'm still really mad that you're gone still but I love you. I will always love you.

Love,

Your daughter

P.S Seriously, "Game of Thrones."