I will begin with my own story, I grew up with a mother who worked far too long and far too and hard for someone who is oftentimes considered one who doesn't have a ‘real’ job. Is being a stay-at-home parent as fulfilling as paid work? Because the only difference between paid and unpaid work is that one receives more credibility, respect, and tangible dollars while one is oftentimes stigmatized, degraded, and acquires no tangible monetary success, per se.

Growing up with my mother working in the home was a norm for my younger sister and I. My father traveled a lot for his job, so my mother decided to take on the job as stay-at-home mother and housekeeper/house GM (general manager), as I prefer. It was also a norm for me to rub my father’s monetary success in my mother’s face when I did not get my way. Not only did she endure our talking back, hitting, kicking, screaming, cussing, etc. on a daily basis, she also had to endure the harsh insults aimed at her line of work. This is because society socializes us to believe that this position is not as fulfilling or successful as paid work. She would have to constantly remind me that the money he was able to make was only possible because of her position. Yet still, when I asked for money and I was denied I would spite her by saying “but it’s not your money, it’s dad’s.” Even though I hope she knew these spurious insults were primarily a symptom of teen angst, I still wish I knew at the time that not only was she criticized by her children, father, and society for her unpaid work, she worked long atypical days that deserved recognition outside of money. She deserved overtime hours for the 6 am to 11 pm timeframe and no time off. I still wish I knew at the time so I could have treated her better. I still wish I knew at the time that these insults would haunt me today.

Something I regret most is treating my mother’s work in the home as if it meant nothing to me. It was obviously so unimportant to me that it was the butt of jokes and insults. I cannot say my father was exempt from this perspective either, which made it even easier to act and feel this way. Because of this, I believe it's important for the partner who works outside of the home to hold the work of their stay at home partner in high regards and they should make sure to give recognition and appreciation at all times, especially as an example to your children. Parents should make it known to their children that this is such a necessary, difficult, and amazing job. Not only do they build and sustain a household but they build and sustain the lives inside that household, which is utterly more imperative. Stay-at-home parents are the stem of socialization for their child and shape who they will be when they become productive members of society. To regard mothers as productive members of society is important and necessary, but I have come to realize it is hardly ever a topic of discussion.

I have noticed that I am not the only one who has treated their mothers this way and I have recognized a common and disturbing trend amongst many children of stay-at-home mothers. It seems like mothers who choose, and are privileged economically enough, to be able to stay at home with their children are not fully valued or acknowledged to the extent and credit they deserve by society, fathers, and children. There is this disturbing norm in our society that allows people to berate stay-at-home mom’s instead of valorizing them, while all the while praising men who work outside of the home for their achievements. Not only praising the breadwinning parent outside of the home, but also congratulating and thanking working breadwinning fathers who take their kids to the zoo or the grocery store or even the bathroom. Why shouldn’t fathers be expected to do this already? Why are mothers not congratulated or thanked when they are stay-at-home moms? Why are mothers not congratulated or thanked when they perform tasks such as changing their child’s diaper, things that are simply expected of them, while dads are exempt from this expectation? Why do mothers oftentimes feel the need to thank their husbands for doing mundane things such as changing the baby's diaper or cleaning the kitchen?

I do not understand why stay-at-home mothers are disregarded as unproductive members of society. I do not understand why we place stay-at-home mothers in such a vulnerable position as they do not get paid and must rely on other forms of income. I do not understand why stay-at-home mothers and working mothers must take on the responsibility of housekeepers, cleaners, gardeners, chefs, chauffeurs, babysitters, etc. and yet are still put in such vulnerable positions if something were to happen to their partners or their marriage. Mothers have been carefully placed in society as the primary parent, allowing for men to work outside of the home and receive greater respect and recognition from society as a whole.

I suppose this entire post could be somewhat boiled down to a confession of the regrets I hold in terms of how I treated my stay-at-home mother growing up. I've reflected and found it to be far too difficult to forgive myself quite yet for disregarding and under- appreciating my mother's work hard. I am offering people who are younger than me who have a stay-at-home parent (mother or father) a chance to gain a perspective from someone from a similar background and understand the value of their parent, if they do not already know. I suppose this is an appreciation post for my mother and all mothers. My hope for the future is that society will one day fully acknowledge the importance and value of stay-at-home mothers so much so that one day, being an unpaid mother will be viewed as fulfilling as paid work.