I understand that humans and bugs must coexist in some way, shape or form. However, I am not responsible for the entire human population. So if the bugs could just keep me out of that group, that would be fantastic. (Especially the ones that jump)
Dear Bugs (Insects, spiders, bees and families),
Look. I know you’ve got business here. I know you’re here making ant-hills, gathering food or attending your buggy day-jobs, but I’ve got a problem. Sure, it’s cool every once in a while when you guys accidentally buzz my ear, or land on me and confuse me for another surface. It’s not happening just once in a while, though. I can’t go a day without a bee landing on me or flocking to my face. When there’s a fly in a classroom, it always decides to circle around me. The ants by the tree love climbing up my legs, and while ants in your pants may seem like a funny concept, I’m not laughing. Spiders love webbing about my windowsill, gnats love dive-bombing my pizza at the food court, and crickets just love appearing on my path home.
Perhaps you all should begin targeting a more tolerant person. Maybe someone who enjoys the outdoors in general, or really cares about the environment. Go hang around the kids that don’t mind picking up your bodies with their bare fingers. I need at least eleven tissues and a shoe before I can even appear parallel to your location. I am not that outdoorsy person; if I don’t need to leave the house, I won’t.
Listen bugs, I’m making you an offer. Relocating would be super beneficial to your future life, and your future families. Less of you will be accidentally crushed, and more importantly, less of you will head to that sweet, little farm in the sky. I think you should find another party of people to accompany because you’re definitely not invited to share air space with me. If you don’t relocate, I will evict you. You have 24 hours to remove your stuff and get out.
Crickets: I understand it’s mating season or whatever, but is mating really necessary at 2 a.m.? If so, can you maybe move to another college campus? We just got done with cicadas and it’s like they never left.
Thousand-leggers: leave my sinks. I just want to keep up good hygiene without having a heart attack every time you peer up at me from the drain. Remove yourselves.
Bees: I don’t know what your sudden fascination with my chest is this past week, but I would appreciate it if you would literally go anywhere else. Save the bees, save the honey, save the boobies. We have to coexist, but we also don’t have to get all up in the other person’s business. You feel me?
You never see lightning bugs or butterflies dive bombing anyone. Dragonflies do, but I think they’re just confused. They move so fast, they probably seem me as a blur of the past.
Honestly, I can’t wait for winter to come and for the temperatures to drop so that you all have to migrate or hibernate or do some kind of leaving. I know you have your jobs, but either leave me the heck alone or get the heck out.
An indoors-y person who is terrified of bugs