Anyone who has ever applied for a job knows how time-consuming it is to tailor a resume to a specific position. It is even harder when you are applying for more jobs than you can keep track of because you need money to pay for school and an apartment and sporadic trips to Chipotle or Starbucks. Furthermore, so many parts of a resume are silly, redundant, or simply awkward to write. It would be so nice if we could be more honest about ourselves; though, let’s be honest for a moment: who would hire us if we were honest? Here is An Honest Resume, perfect for not getting the job:

Objective

I just need a job, okay? At this point, I do not really care what it is. I just need some money. I have less than $0.50 in my bank account, and I cannot pay rent for this month. I do not even remember what this is a resume for — is it to be a secretary or a waitress?

Relevant Experience

I have no relevant experience, but here are some times when I did things that are kind of relevant if you dim the lights, tilt your head to the side, and squint your eyes:

Did the Thing 1: so I did this thing that is completely, 100 percent relevant to the job you are asking me to do. I could totally be a secretary. I am very good at organizing my school work. This year I even bought a binder and a folder to put my assignments in instead of crumpling them up and shoving them into my backpack. I even have different notebooks for each of my classes this year. No more taking notes on every class is one notebook, running out of space one-third of the way through the semester, and then writing notes on the back of handouts for the rest of the semester for me!

Did the Thing 2: I could answer some phone calls. That is totally possible. I answered a phone call once. I might have crippling anxiety regarding phone calls, but I could do it. Probably. I might need a little encouraging or coaching or wine to get me to that point, but I could do it if I was getting paid to do it. In fact, I picked up the phone the other day! It was my mom, but I still talked to her on the phone. That definitely counts as a relevant experience. Might as well write that I am proficient in technological communication.

Education

Bachelor’s Degree in Being Absolutely Useless from University with Too Much Construction. 2013-2017. Graduated summa cum laude, or however it is spelled, with a 3.9 GPA, although it was actually a 3.89, and as a member of 12 honor societies which promised to look good on a resume, give me numerous scholarship opportunities, and make all my dreams come true, but really only gave me too many emails in my spam folder. Participated in 240 student organizations, three-fourths of which I never actually attended and never wanted to attend, 10 of which I showed up to occasionally, four of which I attended frequently, and one of which I was the failed president of and we only met twice.

Special Skills

I can do 10 squats without wanting to die on a good day. I am excellent at petting dogs; more than excellent at petting dogs, actually. I could pet dogs for a living. I can sense them from across campus. If there is a dog on campus, I know it is there. I am great at car karaoke, shower karaoke, Disney karaoke, and bar karaoke. I can even rap some Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj when I am feeling particularly frisky. I like to think I am quite funny, although some people do not appreciate my sense of humor. I played the recorder in third grade, and scored a goal in soccer once.

So go forth, college students, graduates and other desperate people! Write those resumes, send those cover letters, and remember: do not send an honest resume.