Each side of the human brain has a very specific and different purpose. The right side of the brain fulfills one’s mathematical and organizational needs, while the left side is usually more utilized for artistic qualities. Individuals who are over thinkers are often more intelligent and creative as they tend to overwork the left side of their brains. This is what my therapist told me. After explaining that I had stumbled upon the “obsessive thinking” spectrum of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, commonly known as OCD.

Most people would associate OCD with the need to compulsively clean one’s hands over and over until their skin has turned raw, or locking a door six times because if not something horrible could happen to their family. As these cases are classic, OCD can manifest itself in other ways as well.

As a child, I was very shy, yet adults often told me that I was mature for my age and quite sophisticated. My parents shed the importance of moral goodness and being honest early in my life. I rarely got into trouble and when I did, I always knew that the right thing to do was to confess to my wrongdoings and continue to better myself. However, when you are an obsessive thinker, it is not so easy to just pick up and move on.

Like I said previously, I was a really well- behaved child. What started my anxiety-ridden experiences when I was young, was the first time I got into serious trouble. I was doing something idiotic at a friends house, something all children participate in. But in my parent's eyes, it was not right and they wanted me to learn from my mistake. Internally, I was humiliated. Not at all because of the way they treated the situation, but simply because for the first time in my life I truly felt like a bad person. I was not honest with them about what happened in the first place and after becoming aware that this was not right, I felt the need to tell them everything. I began thinking of every single “bad” thing I had done as a child and if I didn’t confess it to them, I would feel like I was going to explode. I would dwell on these thoughts until I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d turn to my mom in the car and say “Mom, I need to tell you something. When I was 8, I stole a piece of candy from the store.” I’d continue to ask her if this meant I was a bad person, and repeatedly apologize. It was the reassurance that something this small didn’t make me a bad person, that allowed me to feel more at ease. But it was a cycle. My mind would overwork itself in the past until I felt content in the present.

After some time dealing with this constant guilt, I started to experience much more serious thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are unwelcome and involuntary thoughts, images, or unpleasant ideas that can become an obsession. At the time, I was dealing with a lot with my mother’s health and for some reason, my mind decided to spiral into things that I did not want to think about. At just 10 years-old, unwanted thoughts about violence, death, racial issues, suicide, and sexuality consistently played through my mind. At random points in time, I would have these extremely vivid thoughts of how I could kill someone close to me or myself. I would look at a bottle of pills and picture myself swallowing them all. I’d see a knife and think about slitting my mother’s throat. None of this was in any way a desire of mine. These thoughts absolutely terrified me and made me feel completely nauseous. My heart would race, my stomach would turn, and I would consistently play them over and over again in my mind. There was no escaping other than sleep. I felt like a villain in my own mind. The only release again was confessing to these thoughts in emotional breakdowns to my mother.

Another aspect of my life that OCD has effected for me as I have grown older, is my love life. When you are an obsessive thinker, love is not a simple walk in the park. It’s more like running in circles, profusely sweating, and ultimately tripping over multiple park benches. New relationships for me have been simple and fun, but they also have been extremely draining for me. Meeting someone new comes with all of these questions streaming through our minds. Are they right for me? Is that a red flag? What if they don’t find me attractive? Or what if I don’t find them attractive enough? What if. What if. What if. Even in long-term relationships I have still found myself nervously questioning whether I really love this individual. I overthink myself into the point where I cannot even find love to be something enjoyable and fresh, but as a dark hole that wasn’t worth digging into in the first place.

Fortunately, due to all of this I started going to a therapist when I was young. Initially, she did not diagnose me with OCD. She said I had anxiety, which was true. However, as I got older and saw different therapists they explained to me how common all of these situations were of those who were dealing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. In the end, I learned through exposure and cognitive therapy that none of these thoughts were my true desires and that they actually reflected what I wanted least in my life. Intrusive thoughts attack your deepest morals. They make you think that you are a horrible person. But at the end of the day they are just insignificant thoughts, not actions. As for overthinking, we have to allow ourselves to slow down and breathe. As much as we want it to be, life cannot be controlled. It will all work itself out in the end.