An Article That Has Nothing To Do With The Election

Having trouble escaping all the political posts riddling social media these days? Looking for something a bit mind-numbing to momentarily distract you from the mayhem of this election? Me too! Which is why it is my duty to allow you the luxury of reading an article on something a little different. As we have all seen this week, people can be full of tremendous hate. While, under no circumstances is this okay, I'd like to point out that we are not the only hateful creatures inhabiting this good Earth. Some animals (literally just swans) can also be brimming with hatred and disgust, and it is about time they get the negative press they deserve.

I am a proud student of Elon University, a small liberal arts school in North Carolina with the most beautiful campus to ever grace the southeast (not showing bias). The first semester of my freshman year has been full of exciting experiences, and I have even had multiple encounters with a campus celebrity! This celebrity is well known by the masses and, like most glamorous stars, is notorious for being a bit moody and unpredictable. That's right, I'm talking about Elon's resident swan that inhabits Lake Mary Knell by the Global Neighborhood. The swan's status as a celebrity in no way gives her (him???) the right to be so cruel, and I am taking a stand! As we have seen this week, we really should not let these celebrities get away with their heinous acts. So, swan, you are about to be exposed.

While the swan inhabits a special place in the hearts of Elon students and staff alike, there is no denying the unpredictable evil present in her (how does one identify the gender of a swan?) eyes. Don't be fooled by her majestic swimming and unblemished plumage. There is mischief under those feathers.

Don't believe me? You or someone you know has likely been one of the swan's innocent victims, and you're too afraid to admit it. I witnessed her diabolical rage one fateful day, as she attacked an unsuspecting male victim as he walked down the sidewalk of Phoenix Drive. There I was, approximately 20 feet behind him, strolling along with a rolling suitcase towards the softball lot to retrieve my car. The swan sat on the edge of the sidewalk, waiting and watching. This unsuspecting victim walked straight down the sidewalk, unaware of his impending doom. I saw the swan sitting there, looming. I wondered to myself if I was about to witness an attack, and just as the thought entered my head, she lunged. Her stupid, white fluffy body leapt up from its sitting position as the young man attempted to peacefully pass her. I watched as she went for his leg, and mercilessly tugged at his jeans and engulfed his lower leg in her evil orange beak. The victim began to furiously shake his leg, in hopes of escaping the swan's death grip. In her final attempt at being a relentless *sshole, the swan fiercely flapped her grandiose wings and tormented her victim. With a few more shakes of the leg, her prey was set free.

As he continued walking down the sidewalk, I could not help but wonder if I was going to be her next victim. I looked down at my rolling suitcase, ready to take action, if necessary. When the time came for me to pass the swan, I dove off the sidewalk and into the middle of the road. I could see the anger on the swan's face. I rolled my suitcase in an intimidating manner, and hopped back on the sidewalk once the swan was approximately ten feet behind me. I was free.

I was one of the lucky ones. Unfortunately, not everyone is so blessed. It is important we draw attention to these issues. The world is corrupt enough as is, and we really don't have time to take crap from swans.


Yes, the swan is kind of snarky, but she is also Elon royalty and the school wouldn't be the same without her. I do actually rather enjoy her presence and hope she continues to make life interesting here at Elon.

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