I am a work in progress; like the rough draft of the paper that you have been putting off. I am the puzzle that you have never finished because it took too long to figure out. I am like the little bit of whip cream that you leave at the bottom of your drink: sweet, but too much to take the time to finish. I have many internal struggles, all pulling me in different directions and leaving my soul in the middle, confused and alone. I want to be better and do better, especially with those who love me so effortlessly, but I find that there are so many things that I have yet to sort out within myself. I put on this face that I have everything together and that I am calm, cool and collected, but to those who really know me and receive my late-night texts in distress, they know.
They know that I struggle, every day and that I am needy and not confident at times. They know that I get overwhelmed and carry my emotional baggage everywhere with me because, in some weird way, it is one of the only things that bring me comfort at times.
They know that I have gotten so good at showing the world one face and actually being completely different on the inside that they call me out in the quiet moments of the night. They tell me to change and to be better and work on my conflicts. So easy for them to say and so effortless for me to ignore them. It is what I am best at; ignoring the very people who call out my flaws. Why would I listen to them because deep inside my soul I know they are right?
They are reaching towards me with a helping hand and all I do is keep slapping that hand away. I do not want help…
But the thing is I do. I want to be better. I want to work on my inner demons and once and for all conquer them. I do not want to take out my frustrations on the very people who love me the most. I do not want to let myself go to the extent that I become immune to any idea of improving because I know what that does to people and it’s not good. I have a vision of what I want to be and where I want to go and I honestly think for a long time I thought I was close to being that.
However, the more I try to conquer the inner voices I have in my head, the more I realize how far away I really am.
I am so far but I do believe that my progress has already begun with this article. Even though this venting of mine thus far has been predominantly negative and self-loathing, I promise I do not discredit all of me to my imperfections. There are a lot of things about myself I love and am proud of. However, at this point in my life, I have reached a point where I do not want to slide by based on my good, my merit anymore. I want to finally tackle the things that I know are an issue in my life and I want to change to finally be the best version of myself.
I don’t know if this article is my first step in that process, but I hope it is a step in the right direction.