I Am A Work In Progress

I Am A Work In Progress

I hope this article is a step in the right direction.
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I am a work in progress; like the rough draft of the paper that you have been putting off. I am the puzzle that you have never finished because it took too long to figure out. I am like the little bit of whip cream that you leave at the bottom of your drink: sweet, but too much to take the time to finish. I have many internal struggles, all pulling me in different directions and leaving my soul in the middle, confused and alone. I want to be better and do better, especially with those who love me so effortlessly, but I find that there are so many things that I have yet to sort out within myself. I put on this face that I have everything together and that I am calm, cool and collected, but to those who really know me and receive my late-night texts in distress, they know.

They know that I struggle, every day and that I am needy and not confident at times. They know that I get overwhelmed and carry my emotional baggage everywhere with me because, in some weird way, it is one of the only things that bring me comfort at times.

They know that I have gotten so good at showing the world one face and actually being completely different on the inside that they call me out in the quiet moments of the night. They tell me to change and to be better and work on my conflicts. So easy for them to say and so effortless for me to ignore them. It is what I am best at; ignoring the very people who call out my flaws. Why would I listen to them because deep inside my soul I know they are right?

They are reaching towards me with a helping hand and all I do is keep slapping that hand away. I do not want help…

But the thing is I do. I want to be better. I want to work on my inner demons and once and for all conquer them. I do not want to take out my frustrations on the very people who love me the most. I do not want to let myself go to the extent that I become immune to any idea of improving because I know what that does to people and it’s not good. I have a vision of what I want to be and where I want to go and I honestly think for a long time I thought I was close to being that.

However, the more I try to conquer the inner voices I have in my head, the more I realize how far away I really am.

I am so far but I do believe that my progress has already begun with this article. Even though this venting of mine thus far has been predominantly negative and self-loathing, I promise I do not discredit all of me to my imperfections. There are a lot of things about myself I love and am proud of. However, at this point in my life, I have reached a point where I do not want to slide by based on my good, my merit anymore. I want to finally tackle the things that I know are an issue in my life and I want to change to finally be the best version of myself.

I don’t know if this article is my first step in that process, but I hope it is a step in the right direction.

Cover Image Credit: Personal Photo

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A Letter To My Freshman Dorm Room As I Pack Up My Things

Somehow a 15' x 12' room became a home.

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Dear Geary 411,

With your creaky beds, concrete walls, and mismatched tile floors, you are easily overlooked as just another room we were randomly assigned to— but you were different. Inside your old walls, I have made some of the best memories of my life that I will hold on to forever.

Thank you for welcoming my neighbors in with open arms who quickly became friends who didn't knock and walked in like you were their own.

I feel like an apology is needed.

We're sorry for blaring the music so loud while getting ready and acting like we can actually sing when, in reality, we know we can't. Sorry for the dance parties that got a bit out of control and ended with us standing on the desks. Sorry for the cases of the late-night giggles that came out of nowhere and just would not go away. Sorry for the homesick cries and the "I failed my test" cries and the "I'm dropping out" cries. We're sorry for hating you at first. All we saw was a tiny and insanely hot room, we had no idea what you would bring to us.

Thank you for providing me with memories of my first college friends and college experiences.

As I stand at the door looking at the bare room that I first walked into nine months ago I see so much more than just a room. I see lots and lots of dinners being eaten at the desks filled with stories of our days. I see three girls sitting on the floor laughing at God knows what. I see late night ice cream runs and dance battles. I see long nights of homework and much-needed naps. Most importantly, I look at the bed and see a girl who sat and watched her parents leave in August and was absolutely terrified, and as I lock you up for the last time today, I am so proud of who that terrified girl is now and how much she has grown.

Thank you for being a space where I could grow, where I was tested physically, mentally and emotionally and for being my home for a year.

Sincerely,

A girl who is sad to go

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When Was The Last Time You Were Alive?

If you can't post it for everyone to see, was it truly a remarkable moment?

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Being alive is an essentially effortless act.

In theory, as long as you're eating food, drinking water, and performing as a human, assuming no major health conditions, most of us are living.

The tragedy I see most often is so very few of us are alive.

Now, I'm not suggesting you drop your textbooks and sprint up a mountain, or go broke trying to find yourself in new activities and events.

That's the illusion pressed onto so many of us. Social Media, more importantly, FOMO, has taught us that in order to truly be alive we need to make sure we travel far and wide, eat gourmet and unique food, and essentially, immerse ourselves in something phenomenal. However, regardless of what you do- don't do it without an audience and the value of your experience will only be justified by the number of likes you accrue on your #bestvacation ever because you #lovenature. With your back to the camera and wispy hair flowing in the beach air, you hit all of your angles, how else will you prove that you're alive to Instagram?

I fell for this too. I spent so much of my life constantly trying to get to the next phase life had to offer. High school was fun, but I was counting the days until graduation. Growing up in a small hometown wasn't awful, but I had sticky note calendars until my next vacation. And day in and day out, events would happen all around me that were just too "normal." I wasn't alive, but I was living.

Setting your soul on fire and truly living is so much more difficult than you could ever expect, but not because you have to drain savings and take along a buddy to snap all the perfect moments.

Choosing to be alive is realizing how important it is to be in this moment or phase in life and accepting it for all its worth. Instead of racing to the finish line or trying to sprint into your next season of assumed happiness, take time to notice all the beautiful and small things that make this moment so important. There is so much life to be found in simple moments.

Semesters are ending, we are all racing to summer. Perhaps in the process, take note of the routine cafeteria worker that constantly smiles at you and says hello. Or perhaps, giggle at the fact that in just a few short weeks that bus driver you see every single morning won't be apart of your morning routine.

The farther I get from what used to be my normal, the more I miss that season of life. I haven't lived in my hometown since I was eighteen, but I miss the simplicity that came with my drives to high school listening to Kanye West and the coziness of a small town opening its doors to start a new day. I never stopped to be alive in those moments, I was just simply living.

Wherever your next phase of life might be, it will always be there. You will always have something else coming. However, once this moment is gone. It's truly gone. Don't waste beautiful views trying to capture just the right picture for Instagram, take in the moment.

Living and experiencing life can be as simple as trusting that you're exactly where you need to be in life. Cherish each moment as you're in it. The next moment is coming whether you're ready or not.

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