I am who I am and I am mostly proud of that person, but I know I can improve, so here it is. If I can't be honest with myself then I'm not really being honest with anyone am I?
First of all, I am a liar. I lie to everybody. I lie because it has become a way of living, and do you know why? I let it. Once you lie it becomes easier and easier to lie every day and after you lie once, you will lie again and again. I am not just talking about lying to people either, I'm talking about lying to myself.
Second, I am manipulative. I have been using people to get what I want. I learn what hits at people's heart strings and I pull and twist until I get them to do what I want them to. It is a terrible thing to do, but I do it anyway. In the past I would have blamed this on someone else, but do you know what? It isn't their fault. I am the one who chooses to do the things I do. I am the one who chooses to be that way. Things in my past may have had their effect on me, but that does not mean that I should let them shape who I am. Especially if it is someone that does things like the above.
Thirdly, I am a poser. By this I mean I am pretending to be someone I am not. Does everyone want to belong, yes? I do too. The problem is I want to belong everywhere. By doing this I have lost where I truly belong.
I am afraid. I am afraid to be myself. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid to be with people and I am afraid to be alone. Why do I have so much fear? Why am I so full of doubt?
Part of the reason I think I am afraid is because I am afraid to finally be at peace. I have been fighting with myself my whole life. I often lay awake at night and think of all the things I could have done better. I think of all my mistakes. I cannot give you an estimate of how many nights I have cried myself to sleep full of regret.
I have learned that none of my actions are reversible. But with the changes I can now make, I will become a new person who will be able to live and interact with others by being me, just me. I will find out who I am and therefore not need to conform to fit in. I will find my calling, the thing that makes me the happiest I can possibly be.
I am tired of being the person huddled in a dark corner waiting for the storm to subside. I want to be the storm.