I Am Complicated And That Is Okay

I Am Complicated And That Is Okay

Yes, like the Avril Lavigne song.
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If I could describe my life in a word right now, it would be "complicated." According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, the word complicated means "consisting of parts intricately combined." That speaks true for my life, but I know it speaks to others, too.

Some of what the complication has arisen from rests in the fact that I am a perfectionist. I tend to want everything, from the wrinkles in my shirt, to my grades to be perfect. Reality gave me a slap in the face last year when I realized that I wasn't perfect, but that had yet to stop me from wishing and hoping to be just that. My mom, the pastor says that "only Jesus was perfect." But me, the realist, thinks that even he could not have been perfect for the time.

I am also, as recent memory and blow ups show, a hypocrite. There are times when I say one thing and do the exact opposite. It is a shot to my ego to admit that. Yes, I try to come off as having my life together, but that can be hard when life is plastic and I am a natural force. Sometimes, in a joking fashion, I do go against the grain that makes up my belief system. The jokes, though, are a way for me to escape my own demons inside of me.

My anxiety, too, shuns people and things that have the capabilities to be something special, away. I don't mean to push people away, it, like a thunderstorm, just happens. I am like most women and want to see myself conquer certain aspects of the world, but anxiety puts a significant limit on me and what I can conquer. I would love to sit here and say that I am "more than my anxiety," but I am not. Seeing that in writing is quite scary.

My life is complicated, and honestly, the things that I listed above are self reflections that I sort of hate about myself. While it is a daily struggle for me to accept these things, I work hard to try to avoid them. For the people that have stayed with me, though, you mean the world. I can honestly say that I would not be the woman I am today without your constant love.

I am proud of the person that I have become, but to the people who I lost along the way, I am so sorry. I know that I can sometimes burden you with my complicated life. I know that I am a handful, a bunch of daisies that are bound to die off. But my guilt, my sorrow, and my hope that I will one day find peace never cease. Yes, there have been people that have forced me to low places before, and today was not an exception. Saying that I "don't have anything" makes my heart cry. But I am always willing to forgive, just as long as those that I do burden don't forget.

This complicated life can sometimes be hard to find something to find solace in. The thing that always does it for me is literature. Lately, works from the Romanticist era seem to speak to me more than they usually do. That is especially true with Wordsworth. One of Wordsworth's most famous poems is "I Wondered Lonely As A Cloud." He writes:

"For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;"

In this complicated life, I not only find my own bliss with solitude, but in knowing that I am never truly alone with literature. The complicated stories that I sometimes feel are too complicated to exist, do in books. Reality is complicated. However, knowing that a character, be it a fictional one, "gets it" is truly something magical.

Life sucks. Read more.


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An Open Letter From The Plus-Size Girl

It's OK not to be perfect. Life is more fun that way.

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To whoever is reading this,

My entire life has been a juggling match between my weight and the world. Since I was a young girl every single doctor my family took me to, told me I needed to lose weight. The searing pain of those words still stabs me in the side to this day. I have walked past stores like Hollister and American Eagle since I was 13.

Being plus-size means watching girls the same age as you or older walk into a store that sells the cutest, in style clothing and you having to walk into a store that sells clothes that are very out of style for a young girl. Being plus-size means being picked last in gym class, even if you love sports.

Being plus-size means feeling like you have to suck it in in pictures so you don't look as big next to your friends. Being plus-size means constantly thinking people are staring at you, even if they aren't.

The number on the scale haunts me. Every single time I think about the number I cringe.

Can I just say how going shopping is an absolute nightmare? If you haven't noticed, in almost every store (that even has plus sizes to begin with) plus-size clothing is closed off and secluded from the rest of the store. For example, Forever 21, There are walls around every side of the plus "department."

Macy's plus department is in the basement, all the way in the back corner. We get it that we are not what society wants us to look like but throwing us in a corner isn't going to change the statistics in America today. That being that 67% of American women are plus-size.

My life is a double-digit number being carved into my jiggly arms and thunder thighs. It is me constantly wanting to dress cute but turning to running shorts and a gigantic sweatshirt instead so that people don't judge me on my size.

It is time that the American society stops making plus size look like a curse. It will never be a curse. If every person was the same size, what would be the point of uniqueness? I will never despise who I am because while I was growing up multiple people told me that I needed to be a size 6 in order for a guy to fall in love with me. I will never hate myself for getting dressed up and being confident.

To all the girls reading this who may be plus-size,

It's OK! You're beautiful and lovable. If you want to buy that crop top, buy it. Life is too short to hide behind a baggy T-shirt. We are just as gorgeous as the girls that we envy. Be the one to change the opinion of the world. Fat rolls don't need to be embarrassing. Your stretch marks are beautiful. Don't ever let the world tell you not to eat that cheeseburger either.

In the end, this earthly life is temporary. We are on this earth for a blink of an eye. Don't let anything stand in your way. Wear the bikini, the crop top, and the short shorts. Post the sassy selfie you've had on your phone for 6 months and you won't post because you have a double chin or your head looks "too big." Who cares. BE YOU and love yourself while you're at it.

I'll start.

Cover Image Credit: Victoria Hockmeyer

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The Rejuvenating Qualities Of Panama City Beach

There are definitely some healing properties in these ocean waves.

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We have gone to the beach quite a few times this summer season. We live around 2 hours away and try to make it to Panama City Beach at least once a week. It's a venture for sure, but compared to the 7-day drive from The Rockies of Colorado to the Peanut Capital of the World, Dothan, Alabama (a time in which no one has heard of) we can't really make any excuses.

Now, I am sitting here typing away in the early morning while watching a summer storm blow in over the sea but, make no doubt about it, the ocean and its shores are one of the most healing, rejuvenating places on this planet. There is a calm in the break of the waves on the shoreline, and yet it pairs with an unspoken knowledge that the ocean is this uncontrollable force.

This isn't a speech on saving the planet and being eco-friendly, recycling and watching out for our beaches, which is a topic I am very passionate about and a post I would totally create. This is simply an open letter to those who might need to get away in order to revive their souls.

If you are anything like me, you have emotions pulsing through you at all times, ideas about everything under the sun, a longing to explore and adventure, and a deep need for rest, all at the same time. There are not many things in this world that truly satisfy me. There is a lot of disappointment. There is a lot of wrongdoing and suffering. It's overwhelming.

That is why I come to the beach. It removes the overwhelming things.

You see, there is nothing complicated about the waves (unless you make it complicated, but we stay away from people like you). They are simple. They are peaceful. And 99% of the time in my life that is what I need, simplicity and peace. I over-complicate things myself, I make excuses and I feel hurt in most moments of my life. I lived an exposed, vulnerable lifestyle that drains me.

That is why I love the ocean. It replenishes my drained soul. It energizes me. It is motivating and inspiring, relaxing and unwinding.

I don't pass out advice. I never have. I do, however, try living an honest life, always in the moment, so I can share my experiences in hopes that others might find them helpful. That is precisely why I am writing this. Because if you could just get to the beach, to a shoreline, it might change you. Seeing this vast landscape changes your perspective on the situations in your life you thought might overtake you.

The ocean speaks. It heals. It tells your worries to cease and your mind to rest. It tells your body to relax and your busy schedule that there IS time to take a moment. Don't forget to take a moment for yourself this summer season.

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