Before I begin, I’d like to dedicate this article to the true queens of the information wars: Melania Trump, Betsy DeVos, and Kellyanne Conway. Ladies, you’re an inspiration, staying true to the images your publicists craft for you and proving over and over that truth is just what you want it to be. I write this in your name. May your spirits guide my hands.

The earth is flat. No, really. Forget about all those idiots who draw it like it’s a sphere. If it’s a sphere, how on earth would we be standing on it? (You see what I did there? I know you did.) Forget about science. Forget about that old dude who estimated the circumference of the earth. Sure, spheres have circumferences, but you know what else has a circumference? A circle. And guess what a circle is? Flat. The earth is like a penny: Round, flat, and soon to be taken out of circulation due to misuse. Take that, science. Take that, Abe Lincoln.

Now, if you really swallowed that nonsense about the earth being round and three-dimensional, I bet you fell for this one, too. The moon is a big spherical rock in the sky, dead and lifeless and devoid of everything except for the footprints of great Americans and the American flag. (Take that, Russia.) All of that is a lie except the last bit. The moon does contain American footsteps and American flags. The moon also happens to be made of Swiss cheese. It’s obvious when you think about it even a little! The moon is yellowish and full of holes, and it vanishes a little bit every night, because the constellation animals are hungry and what else are they going to eat up there?

How does the cheese get replaced once the constellation animals have eaten it? God. Duh.

You still with me? To review: The earth is flat, and the moon is made of cheese. Now, let’s deal with the biggest and brightest thing in the universe. The sun. It’s been widely held that the sun is the center of the solar system and everything else moves around it. Now, when you consider what we already know, you can tell something’s wrong with this picture. Just look up in the sky – you can see the sun move across it every day, rising in the east and setting in the west. How do you think it can do that, unless it’s moving? It’s not as if the earth is rotating. If it rotated, we’d fall off.

Science doesn’t have all the answers. It doesn’t even have most of them. Science can’t tell us why nice guys who aren’t really nice finish last. It can’t explain why the number of stupid things you do rises in direct correlation to how great you feel while you’re drunk. Want to know what else science can’t explain? Pluto. It’s a flat rock in the sky just like the earth, but NASA can’t make up their minds about whether or not it’s a planet. Me, I think the whole planet discourse is a distraction. Pluto isn’t a planet, or a dwarf planet, or whatever the hell else they’re calling it these days. Pluto is an alien spaceship, circling the edge of the solar system and gathering data to report back to the mothership. This is why it’s essential to build up our military. If we don’t, the aliens will think we’re an easy target.

That’s all for now, folks – the egghead scientists are closing in, determined to keep these alternative facts hidden. Tune in next week for more of the truth the elites don’t want you to know.