Marriages are typically a time of celebration and joy for the bride, groom and their friends and family. But sometimes, all may not be as it seems. Perhaps the bride and groom are cheating on each other, or perhaps you’re actually in love with one of them. Or perhaps they’re actually the stars of a telenovela and guess what? Their families are in a Romeo-Juliet-esque blood feud over two overtly competitive fast food chain empires and their siblings are dead because of the said blood feud, so now they’re supposed to be avenging each other. Oh, and before I forget, their father is actually the same sperm donor.
Whatever the reason, sometimes some couples are better left unmarried. Hence, here's how to legally stop a wedding.
Because, disappointingly, saying "no" to, “If anyone objects, speak now or forever hold your peace," isn't going to cut it.
First, however, let me introduce Rebecca and Justine, two brides-to-be who I will use in some of my examples in the demonstration below.
First, approach the couple, either together or separately, (though separately is a far better option).
Try to convince at least one that marriage is a really terrible idea.
When doing this, I’ll sit across from Justine and attempt to get her to realize that while Justine herself may be looking for love, Rebecca is only looking for someone with a massive trust fund. Keep in mind, the concepts I'm addressing Justine about regarding Rebecca should not be used, adapted to the situation. If this step doesn’t work, proceed to the next one.
Take legal action.
Couples are required to tell a registrar of their decision to marry in advance, and by law, they are required to make the information public for at least 28 days. During this window of time, you can make a civil case against the wedding if you have a legal reason why they can’t get married. In the case of our telenovela love birds, pointing out that the marriage is incestuous (in the U.S.) should do the trick. Or, if Rebecca’s plans for eliminating Justine after the marriage is ever found, a civil case, as well as a criminal case, can be filed for that as well. If there is no legal reason against the marriage; first, consider the fact that you, dear reader, might not be doing this with the individuals' best interests in mind. Next, recognize the fact that the marriage must commence, and let the marriage commence.
Step three is to involve other people.
Make an extremely convincing speech for why the couple should not, at all costs, get married (even if no laws are being broken in the process).
Again in the case of Rebecca and Justine, I’ll simply point out the facts that the former mademoiselle is a golddigger, that the latter mademoiselle isn't interested in becoming a sugar mommy and that a sugar mommy is exactly what Justine is going to become if the marriage was to commence. Depending on your persuasive skill, at this point in time, you might have anywhere from no supporters or a whole army that has made themselves the next trending hashtag on every social media platform there is. The bigger this gets, the more likely the couple will shy away from marriage for the simple reason of unwanted fame.
If the couple is particularly hardy, as Rebecca’s probably will be because she wants that paycheck, then proceed to the fourth step.
The goal is to annul the marriage after it takes place on legal grounds.
There are several ways to reach that goal, though I recommend the first one, as it is the least messy and will have the least amount of long-term repercussions.
Drug one or both of the to-be lovers, so that they’re still able to function but are temporarily mentally compromised on the day of their wedding. Wait for it to proceed, and call for an annulment on the grounds of "either spouse being involved with drugs or drunk."
Just to throw in another option, you can also castrate one of the two lovers and call an annulment based on infertility, or you can concoct an elaborate plan in which it seems as if one of the two lovers had blackmailed the other into marriage. I admit, this last step isn’t entirely legal, but it’s highly preferable to, well, murder, or something of the like.
So there it is, a mostly-legal foolproof four-step plan that will end in the couple not being married.
Disclaimer: This article is written for humorous purposes and is purely hypothetical. It is not a suggestion or implication of any sorts, so please take it lightly to have a humorous read!