My first tip-off should've been the vague description: "Auxillery [sic] governmental application created too [sic] service client's [sic] healthcare marketplace needs store there [sic] data in our safe database and offer fast delivery." Seemed legit at the time. Thought it was stream-of-consciousness. Reading that listing on internships.com, I assumed it was a job in healthcare. They said they were headquartered in "Walnut, CA." For some odd reason they had listed it under paying "Writing" jobs. I didn't see the real connection. Marketing and creative writing—I had to admit—go well together. Writing and—whatever this was? Well, it paid $200 a month for three months of work, so it seemed better than—gasp!—a blue-collar job.

My second tip-off should've been the requirements: "Were [sic] looking for a [sic] English major, specializing in content writing to write content for our website and copyediting [sic]." If this was any indication of their work, they sure as hell needed an English major. Like they were a bunch of foreigners. Tip-off number three.

Still, being hard up on cash, and needing job experience and all that noise, I applied. I didn't expect much, most of the listings were stale last year. I normally spam apply.

After a few hours of tedium I took a lunch break. On my return I found this:

Naturally I thought, "Sweet. This job's in the bag." Naturally I glossed over the parts I've now underlined, like the interest in their company, or the redundancy of "EST Time." Naturally I shot back an email telling them I'd be available at that time.

Cut to: The next day.

While preparing for my interview I realized I didn't know what the company did. Thus I decided to Google them. They only had one listing and this was it:

Again, seems pretty legit, right? Though the "Certified copy of birth" spawns disturbing images in my mind. Also, what the hell does "Does this service is secure" mean?

Then there's this:

Um, a few quibbling points: 1. Only one right reserved? 2. So now they're not affiliated with the U.S. government? 3. What services do they provide? 4. Why the difference in the capitalization of birth certificate? Pick one or the other. 5. "Fill correctly"? Who taught them how to use adverbs? 6. Aside from being awkward, they didn't conjugate mailed properly. And furthermore, they're going to mail my birth certification application to me? Why? Where the hell's my birth certificate? I can't get a job with a birth certificate application.

I still couldn't quite believe this, so I decided I'd wait until my interview to confront them, because I'd assumed they'd be stupid enough to carry on.

Two p.m. EST rolled around. Nothing. The "EST Time" confused me. Perhaps that didn't mean Eastern Standard Time. I Googled it. According to a website dedicated to time zones, New Jersey, normally in EST, is currently in EDT, Eastern Daylight Time. With Daylight Savings Time we are, technically, an hour ahead. I figured the idiots were ignorant of this and were going to call on me at three p.m. EDT. Wrong again.

I waited until 3:30, then I logged back on to internships.com. First, I checked the email. Second, I tried to look at their posting. Gone. Website said it was "Closed." Apparently, my friends weren't as dumb as I thought.

Here's what I imagine happened:

Two morons in Nigeria are setting up an ID theft ring. They create a website to lure idiot Americans into giving their information for "new birth certificates," information they hope to use to raid their bank accounts and ruin their credit. One big problem: they can't write for crap. So one of them hops onto his 1998 Microsoft with dial-up and posts a listing on internships.com to snare a stupid and lazy English major into editing their website so they won't look like amateurs.

It all seems to go well. Somebody (me) applies, with—what is to them—great credentials. One of the criminals is so excited that—without telling his partner—he writes that email, asking for an interview. That done he leans back and puts his hands behind his head. "You know, Solomon, I think we're gonna be rolling in dough."

His partner, who's clacking away at his computer, scoffs. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. I've got a sucker lined up for an interview tomorrow."

His partner stops what he's doing. "Interview?"

"Yeah. On Skype."

Solomon leaps out of his chair and smacks the first guy. "You stupid goat! I should cut your feet off!"

The first guy whimpers. "I don't see—"

Solomon's on the verge of murder. "The second he hears us speak he'll know we're not from California!"

So, in the effort of damage control, they delete their posting, though not their website, and carry on as if they never wrote to me.

*****

While I feel like an absolute jacka** for letting it get that far before I put two and two together, there's something that bothers me far more - only $200 a month?

I mean, what did they take me for, a sap? I'm worth at least $500 a month.