How Am I Almost 21 But Still Feel 12?

So I’m a junior in college but I seriously still feel like I should only be like 12. I’m sitting at Lamar Park on a beautiful sunny day just thinking about how I only have one year left here, I just did my academic advising session for my last fall semester, my last football season, I’m about to enter the real world and honestly I can’t help but think – how in the world did I get here?

April 4 I turn the big 2-1, an age that everyone looks forward too but also is really scared of. 21, that means I’m about to be done with college and have to be on my own. I’m going to have a big girl job and soon (hopefully) find a husband and start a family. Where did time go?

I seriously remember it like it was yesterday when all I wanted was to play with Barbies, and yes I still played with Barbies when I was 12. I was a Barbie fanatic. I would call my friends and we would all go to each other’s houses and play outside, jump on trampolines, walk around the mall for hours because that’s just what we did. We didn’t have those responsibilities like we do now. It’s crazy to think how fast time flies.

Birthdays are always really sentimental to me. It’s a big step in life, you made it another year! Like I remember my 12th birthday, I had my really close friends come over, it was “superstar” themed because back then I wanted to be a movie actress, who didn’t? We had such a good time just laughing, watching Mean Girls because I had just gotten it as a gift, painting nails, just not having a care in the world.

Now, this year on my birthday, of course, I want to celebrate, but I have a test in my 8 a.m. the next day. How can it go from having such a good time to tests and work, and the real world?

I can’t help but sit here and think – how did I get here? Did I really make it this far? What all do I have left in my life? I was always pretty mature for my age, I support myself as much as I can, I pay bills, I’ve had a job since I was 16, it’s just how my mom raised me. But to sit here and think that I’m about to be out there probably not in Mississippi anymore, my mom won’t be just an hour drive away, what will I do?

Ever since I can remember, I was always so ready to grow up. I seriously had this vision in my head that once I was 25, I would have my dream job, live in my dream house, with the man of my dreams, and starting a family.

Well here I am, a week short of 21 and that just doesn’t seem like that’s coming anytime soon, but now, realizing that I’m not ready for that yet at all, I’m perfectly okay with it taking a couple more years to reach that. It’s just funny now because the question always used to be, “what do you want to be/do when you grow up?” and now it’s more like “so what do you do?” I can honestly say, I feel like I’m still growing up and catch myself asking that question sometimes because it just doesn’t click with me that I’m almost a grown up – but I will say, what I want to be when I grow up?

Happy.

I want to be happy with the routes I took, the things I did, and the things I will continue to do. I may almost be 21, but sometimes I still feel my 12 years old in my heart.

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