All Dogs Go To Heaven, All Clowns Go To Hell

All Dogs Go To Heaven, All Clowns Go To Hell

Beware, Beware, Walk With Care Careful What You Do. Or Creepy Clowns are Gonna Murder You, Creepy Clowns are Murder You…


Thank you, I know, I’m an awesome poet. But in all seriousness, these creepy clown sightings are getting out of hand. We all enjoy being part of a harmless prank once in a while. Setting it up, anticipating the arrival of the victim (or even being the victim), watching the way people are taken by surprise when it all goes down. But when you put a clown as part of that equation, I’m out. Goodbye, adios, Au Revoir, arrivederci.

Clowns are too creepy to be enjoyable. You know what’s enjoyable? Puppies. Nobody is ever disappointed with puppies. I never understood how kids at birthday parties were so entertained by someone with their face painted, in overly-colorful clothing, with freakishly large feet, and a big red nose. I always hid in the corner or pretended to go to the bathroom and never participated in the humiliating magic tricks that were performed by these scary performers. Now, put that same character in the middle of the woods, inside an abandoned building, late at night at a park, or in the middle of the road, and you get the worst (or best) horror movie scene in existence. Nothing good can come from clowns.

My anxiety wasn’t good when these creepy clown sightings started out in other states. I’m not even talking about neighboring states like New Mexico or Arizona. I’m talking about states like North and South Carolina, which are approximately 1,619.9 to 1,800.5 miles away from El Paso, Texas (where I live). Now, when they started getting closer, like the sightings that happened in Austin and Houston, my anxiety started rising. It was at a level 2/10, mostly because I feared for the lives of the North and South Carolina residents. Then, my anxiety went up slowly to a level 4/10 when Texas was invaded.

(I have to say, I know anxiety is a serious mental illness and I don’t mean to toy with anyone’s emotions. But I really do have it. I was diagnosed with anxiety my sophomore year of high school after a very heavy anxiety attack, and small reoccurring ones that happen when I’m under a lot of stress. But anyway, back to business.)

In present times, my anxiety is through the roof. Probably at a level 12/10. Because of these masked individuals clowning around IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. One was spotted and photographed at a park 3 streets away from where I live. So, I’ve decided to get myself a pocket-sized pepper spray bottle to carry around. Walking to my car no longer feels safe enough to do by myself. Just the other night, I was craving Wendy’s, and I had my mom stand at our door, watch me get in my vehicle, turn on the engine, reverse, and drive off.

I just can’t imagine what kind of psychopath likes to dress up as “IT”, and walk around at all hours carrying weapons (real and fake), with the sole purpose of causing some innocent by-stander to have a heart attack. Can you imagine a sweet old lady walking around her neighborhood with her Chihuahua, bending down to caress her pet, and looking up only to see a white face and big red nose staring back at her? What about little kids innocently swinging on swing sets, having fun on the seesaws, playing tag or hide-and-go-seek, then turning around to see enormous feet galloping towards their playground?

This is a PSA for all the clowns who may be reading this: I don’t know who you are, but I will find you, and I will kill you... no just kidding. But if you do happen to cross my path, especially on Halloween night when I’m out trick or treating with my family expecting nothing but delicious candy, there will be trouble. I will excessively pepper spray your eyeballs and you will cry into the next century. Also, for all you clown supporters, don’t come at me with that “clown lives matter” mumbo jumbo. This is not a topic that you can compare to the Black Lives Matter movement. Clowns suck.
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