The restaurant I spent over a decade working for often hired young high school girls for the hostess position. The majority were adorable, vibrant and infused the place with an adolescent silliness that infected the older, jaded employees. A couple of those hostesses felt almost like little sisters, a few of them I clashed with, but the majority of the girls fell in the middle of those extremes. I felt protective of them all.

Standing at the entrance, without the liberty to leave their post, they often served as a captive audience for older men who enjoyed the company of pretty young girls. I’d watch the girls press and smile uncomfortably through minutes of tedious conversation. The men continuously inched closer and the girls responded by leaning further back.

“She’s fine,” my manager would assure me. “If she didn’t want his company, she wouldn’t keep talking to him.” I was skeptical. When I was that age, I didn’t have the skill set to maneuver myself out of such situations.

One time, a man in his mid-forties picked up the hand of the sixteen-year-old hostess and examined it closely. As his fingers started to massage the palm of her hand, I marched over, pulled her hand away and said, “You don’t need to be touching her.”

“I was just looking at her fingernail polish,” he stammered.

“You don’t need to touch her to do that!” As he sulked away, I turned to her and softly whispered, “Did you want him touching your hand?” Stunned, she slowly shook her head. “You don’t ever have to be touched if you don’t want to be.” It was as if she didn’t even realize she had a choice in the matter. It broke my heart, but I remember feeling the same way.

At that age, it was hard to distinguish between the expectations I should follow and those that were safe to ignore. In fact, it was hard to ignore any kind of expectation, no matter who was the source. There are a few lessons I’ve learned since that I wish I knew then, and I want every young woman to know.

It’s okay if certain people don’t like you. Someone who finds your personal boundaries insulting is not someone who’s company is worth keeping. Don’t worry so much whether or not people like you, especially before you’ve determined if you like them. The right people will want to know and respect your boundaries, and who cares if the others think you’re a bitch.

You have every right to dictate the way people physically interact with you. If someone goes in for an unwanted hug, don’t be afraid to offer a fist bump instead. I’ve often told people: “Hugging is personal for me, and I don’t know you well enough to hug you."

If someone touches your waist, your face, the back of your neck or any other place on your body that feels too intimate, you have every right to say, “I don’t like to be touched like that.” The toucher’s embarrassment is a result of their assumption, and no matter what they might say to try to convince you, you have no responsibility for it.

Some people will be sensitive to your apprehensions and other people won’t. Find the people who are, and talk to them. If a certain person or situation makes you feel uncomfortable, let those people know. They can help.

Many times I’d sharply yell a hostess’s name when she was caught in a situation I knew she was uncomfortable with. The man would leave, thinking he was getting her in trouble. When she made her way to me, I’d say sternly, as if I were scolding her, “You looked like you needed saving.”

She’d smile just big enough for me to see and say, "Thank you.”

If a particular coworker or classmate makes you feel uncomfortable, tell as many sympathetic ears as you can. The more people know, the less likely they will allow for an uncomfortable situation to occur.

Trust your uneasy feelings. Whether you misunderstood a situation or not, it’s best to risk hurting someone’s feelings than it is to gamble with your own safety. More often than not, if someone gives you an uneasy feeling, there’s a good reason. To quote from the podcast “My Favorite Murder,” “Fuck politeness, and don’t get murdered.”

If someone walking towards you makes you feel uneasy, cross the street and walk on the other side. If there’s an acquaintance that feels off to you, under no circumstance should you be alone in the same car as them. Don’t worry what they might think. The possible social consequences do not compare with the possible consequences to your safety.

Over the holiday, I spent time with many of my nieces, all eager to have the good opinions of those around them. I smile as they do everything in their power to make me proud, but that same sweetness also makes me nervous. I don’t want to deprive them of their kindness, but I want to arm them with the ability to clearly speak their boundaries. It was a difficult lesson for me to learn, but the same people who claim I’m exaggerating, hysterical, or simply a bitch are the very people I needed most to establish my boundaries with.