Throughout my career here at Odyssey, I’ve written multiple pieces addressing the topic of mental health. My main focus has been depression because it is what I have the most personal experience with. Most of my pieces sort of have the same sort of overtones when it comes to talking about the effects that depression has on someone. I try to speak to some of the less-popular symptoms and realities of living with a mental illness, as well as taking a more positive outlook on it by talking about coping mechanisms and tools for recovery. But no matter how many pieces I write, no matter how many other articles and stories I read, I still don’t think I will ever be able to fully explain what it’s like to live with depression.

I’m not saying that what I’ve said in the past or what other people have said is inaccurate in any way. I wouldn’t ever be so bold as to say that. But I know that even though I’ve tackled the subject from different angles, the picture that I’ve painted is still incomplete. I know it is because there have been times when I’ve spoken to people about it and there is still a disconnect between what I’m saying and what they’re hearing. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why that is, and I think I’ve started to come up with an answer:

Depression, and the symptoms of it, aren’t static. It’s a fluid type of illness that is constantly changing the way that it manifests itself. Sure, there are some basic hallmark symptoms, but outside of that it is something that is always evolving.

I have multiple drafts and outlines of articles talking about the different ways that depression shows itself. They address topics ranging from, “Depression doesn’t mean I can never feel joy,” to, “The big-picture things that are supposed to make me happy don’t, but for some reason this skirt having pockets made my whole week.” Then we go right to the other end of the spectrum of, “No matter how well I learn to cope I’m still going to experience these symptoms and that’s a lot to try to be okay with,” and, “I can handle being physically exhausted, or I can handle being mentally exhausted, but I can’t quite handle being both at the same time and no one gets that.” These are just a few, and they all stem from my own personal experience. There are countless other interpretations of what it’s like to live with a mental illness from everyone out there who also suffers from one.

I think, though, that’s why it’s so difficult to explain to people that when my symptoms get bad, when I find myself in a really dark place, it’s not always because of the same reasons. It might not even really be caused by a specific reason at all. When it happens, it’s not always the same emotions or lack thereof coursing through my brain. Sometimes I can muster up the energy to still put on a good front for my job, and for my friends, and go out and have a good time doing things with them. Then other times I don’t wash my hair, or do my makeup for a week, and I keep hitting snooze on my alarm in the morning despite the fact that I’m not even going back to sleep and just laying in bed staring at the ceiling. It’s never quite the same feeling twice. It’s always a draining experience, but it’s not the same experience. There are times when I cry every day over something (or nothing) for weeks on end, and other times when it’s just a feeling of constant exhaustion and overexertion despite not having done anything besides the bare minimum.

Mental health isn’t an easy topic to talk about because it isn’t a stagnant subject. You see pieces talking about how people should stop self-diagnosing because they experience mental illness in a different way than someone else. Facebook is littered with different articles that all talk about what it’s really like to have depression or anxiety or any other mental illness. But it’s never that simple. If you’re trying to take something other than a clinical stance on mental illness, I can almost guarantee you you’re never going to find a way to completely and accurately explain how it feels each time the symptoms set in.

I’m not saying all of this because I think we should stop trying. Quite the contrary. I think that we all need to keep talking about it. We need to talk about all of our different experiences and educate people on how complex it can all be. Depression doesn’t always “look” a certain way, but we should all start talking about the different ways it appears. It helps our loved ones continue to understand what we’re going through, but it also helps other people who are going through the same things that you are. It’s comforting to know that you’re not the only one who thinks and feels the things that you do.

I’ve written a lot about mental health in the past and I plan on continuing to do so in the future. Talking about it and educating people is the only way to stop the stigma surrounding it. While I don’t think that I will ever be able to write a piece that encompasses everything there is to know about what it’s like to live with a mental illness, it’s not going to stop me from trying. As long as there’s a chance that it’s going to help someone out there understand or cope, I think it’s a worthy topic to keep addressing from all angles that we can.