The first time I was slut-shamed was over Thanksgiving break of my freshman year of college. Of course I’d heard it all before, women who had or talked about sex or even just dressed a certain way could be labeled as sluts, whores, and easy by their peers while straight men would be praised for every woman they got with. While this double standard had always made me angry, comments like these had never been directed at me before. I was sitting in a familiar basement, surrounded by my closest friends from home, playing Never Have I Ever to catch up and tell stories about how our first semester at college had gone so far. It was a great time, but one girl was extremely uncomfortable with some of the things my friends and I were discussing, and she made that very clear to us. I later found out that she had called me every name in the book just because our morals on sexuality differed and she believed hers to be superior and everyone else’s completely unacceptable. We had never gotten along anyway, so I was angry but not hurt, and just chalked it up to her being judgmental and moved on.

Since then I’ve realized that whenever someone directly criticizes me for decisions I make about my own body I don’t really care much because once they’ve revealed this judgmental side of them I know they’re not the type of person I want in my life anyway. When the comments are directed at other people however, even if the intent wasn’t harmful, that’s surprisingly when they hurt me the most. I remember one night when I was swiping through a few of my guy friends Tinder’s with them all of them were commenting on how low cut these girls shirts were, how their ass was hanging out of their shorts, how they were clearly just looking for sex (like they knew this, like that was a bad thing, and like they weren’t on there for that exact reason). I sat there feeling uncomfortable, checking out my own outfit and wondering if they thought it was too revealing, worrying that they’d assume I had intentions that I didn’t just because I had chosen to wear shorts and a crop top around them.

Men aren’t the only ones who judge women for what they wear, I’ve heard plenty of women criticize each other for the length of their skirt. I’m guilty of this too, for a while when I would be getting ready for a night out I would come out in a prospective outfit to show my friends and ask “Is this too slutty?” What does “too slutty” even look like though? How would anyone be able to know anything about my sexual behavior from how I’m dressed? Short answer: they can’t. How someone dresses doesn’t tell you anything about their sex life. Sex positive YouTuber Hannah Witton has a video all about this topic titled Do I Look Like A Slut?

Unfortunately, the judgment doesn’t just stop at what women choose to put on their bodies. My friends have always been supportive of me when I share details with them about my relationships, but when they criticize other women for their decisions, I worry that they’re judging me for mine as well. Hearing comments about other women along the lines of “She slept with another one?” “Didn’t she just hookup with someone else last weekend?” “She’s acting like an actual slut.” and “She’s kissed so-and-so, she’s ruined.” leave me feeling bad for the woman they’re talking about and self-conscious that they’ve said or thought similar things about me.

These instances of accidental slut-shaming doesn’t mean that my friends and I or anyone else who has made comments like these are terrible people, just that they aren’t always thinking about the sexism behind their words. I hope when I’m in situations like these from now on instead of just sitting there silently feeling uncomfortable I can speak up and confront the sexist double standard that these comments perpetuate, not to place the blame on the person, but to offer a new perspective and explain why this type of thinking is harmful. If someone feels comfortable sharing such personal aspects of their life with you, try to make sure your responses are positive and caring, if they and their partner were happy, safe, and consenting, then there’s nothing wrong with that situation.