Grief-- a five letter word expressed in thousands of different ways. No loss is easier than another, and it is through a variety of actions, words (or sometimes none at all) that we attempt to deal with losing someone special. We go through the stages of grief uncontrollably: denial, anger, bargaining, and depression... sometimes even forgetting the fifth one exists. I think it's time for the acceptance stage-- the acceptance that's been holding me back since you've died; the acceptance I need to heal.

I never thought I'd love again when I lost a portion of my heart the day you left. I never wanted to care again, because such affection caused such pain in the end. I couldn't breathe, eat or sleep. I found myself paused in a world that kept moving around me. I felt guilty continuing to walk through this privilege of life as you laid to permanent rest in the ground. Stuck. Gone. Dead. How is that fair?

I miss you like crazy. I still find myself dialing your phone number that only leads to a voicemail that will never be opened. I wake up every morning in hopes that this nightmare has finally ended. But it seems to have only just begun. I replay the second I lost you at least twice a day in my head. What could I have done differently? What could I have said or prayed for more intensely that would have made you stay? I still avoid using your name in the past tense, or in fact using your name at all. I feel as if I'm excessively mourning every day, but is that helping my process to move on or hurting it?

None of this will ever bring you back. Lingering on your death will not help me get out of bed any easier every morning. It will not assist me in graduating school or obtaining my dream job. It will not push me towards greater lengths of success to gloat about. It certainly only takes away from my happiness and destroys my mental health with every sad thought that crosses my mind and every tear drop I let trickle down my face. It will not help me move on in life, and could perhaps inhibit every ounce of growth I'm expected to sprout. Dwelling on the "what ifs" will only ruin the "could have beens" I'm missing out on chances that my broken heart is too scared to take. I'm hanging onto your death and I'm not focusing on my future. You're gone. It's a fact that won't change. It's a puddle I must jump over to continue my path in this world, without you physically here.

It's time to accept that you're dead... because I need to live.