Abuse is a very touchy subject for many people. It could be physical, emotional, or mental but it still causes pain in some way.
It's sometimes hard to talk about the pain you've been through especially if it was cause by someone who was supposed to care for you.
Its hard to admit to anyone that something bad has happened to you.
Most of the time, the reason you can't admit it to anyone is because you can't admit it to yourself. You don't want to admit someone you trusted has betrayed you.
Sometimes the person who hurt you made you believe it was your fault because you weren't good enough, always did something wrong, or that you were just always there, at the wrong time.
Sometimes you just don't think anyone will understand because you didn't understand for so long. Some even believe that they will be blamed for what has happened to them because they blamed themselves or they have witnessed someone blaming another for the same thing.
I was abused and it took me a while to admit it to anyone.
The first thing I admitted to was my physical abuse from a partner. He beat me anytime he was upset, angry or really for any reason he could come up with. He would hit me, punch me, hold on too tight and push me around.
It was my fault. I told myself this over and over again. And so did he. He made sure I did. He told me I wasn't good enough. But after he did it, he would apologize and try to 'make it better.' He never did.
This was easier to admit to because of the physical marks left from when he touched me. But I still didn't want to admit a man who was supposed to care for me hurt me over and over again with his hands.
But that wasn't just it.
I was mentally abused by a man who was supposed to protect me, a man who was supposed to love me. Instead he told me I was fat, ugly worthless and pathetic. He made me keep his secrets but told me I was good for nothing. It went on for most of my life.
This took a toll on me more than I would normally like to admit. I became depressed because I actually thought I was worth nothing. I could only handle so much, I self harmed because I wanted to feel something other than the mental pain.
It took me a while to admit this because he was supposed to be care about me. He was supposed to be someone I could trust, but I guess I couldn't.
And I have one more secret to share.
I was sexually abused by someone who I was supposed to be close to. He would grab me randomly and never listened to my screams. He bruised me several times holding me down. I was young, not even in my teen years yet but he was.
I was scared to tell anyone. I was scared something could happen to me.
But again it was my fault because I was there. Maybe it was what I wore, or maybe because I was developing early...
This was the hardest for me to admit. I didn't want to believe it could happen to me. I didn't want to believe I trusted someone who could take away my innocence.
Let me be honest here, these things were hard for me to talk about. But after I finally came clean with myself I felt a lot better.
And I know it may be hard to talk to someone because you don't know how they will react. But I hope anyone that has gone through some sort of abuse will talk to someone whether it be a friend, family or even a counselor. There's always someone who will listen. But the first step is admitting to yourself it happened and letting yourself know it was never your fault.
I would never like to think of myself as a victim ever again because I had survived what happened to me. I survived my greatest battle.