Once upon a time, holidays meant something. They were sacred. But now, we have a National Day for seemingly everything.

What started out as a cute, "Happy National Hug Day!" or "Happy National Pizza Day!" has morphed into National Days celebrating "Lacy Oatmeal Cookies" (why so specific?) and "Opening an Umbrella Indoors" (what idiot thought that was a good idea?!).

Tuesday, March 28:

1.) National Something on a Stick Day

This is creepily vague.

Behold, an image of something on a stick:

...After some research, I found that this is strictly for celebrating foods that come on sticks. In that case, they should change the name to "Food on a Stick." Something could be anything, and anything could be a human hand, so this whole National Calendar thing is clearly a very flawed system.

2.) National Weed Appreciation Day

I thought I knew what this day was gonna be all about, but after a little research, I was mistaken. In a shocking turn of events, this day has nothing to do with marijuana. This is a day celebrating the villainized, misunderstood weeds, like dandelions and something called a "lamb's quarter." Also they're edible and safe for the kiddos, so, yay, I guess.

...Seriously, who's the genius naming these days?

3.) National American Diabetes Association Alert Day

Finally, a day raising awareness for something that matters. The first (and hopefully, not the only) legitimate National Day this week!

Wednesday, March 29:

1.) National Lemon Chiffon Cake Day

...I think I might actually celebrate this one.

2.) National Mom and Pop Business Owners Day

This is a good National Day! It appears that the National Days are turning a corner and are finally becoming meaningful once more.

3.) National Little Red Wagon Day

...Okay, I spoke too soon. This one is a real reach.

4.) Manatee Appreciation Day

This is legit. Who doesn't love manatees?

Thursday, March 30:

1.) National Doctors Day

I feel like this is a well-earned day, what with the life savin' they do and all that.

2.) National I Am In Control Day

A day for dominatrixes everywhere.

I kid. It's actually a day for feeling in control and decluttering your life. I don't think I'll be celebrating this one :'( I like the premise, though.

3.) National Pencil Day

When I clicked on this day for more info (on the National Day Calendar website), a segment called "Notable Pencil Users" came up. How do they expect us to take these "holidays" seriously, I mean come on!!

4.) National Take a Walk in the Park Day

...Okay!

5.) National Turkey Neck Soup Day

This sounds utterly revolting.

Friday, March 31:

1.) National Bunsen Burner Day

Hey everybody, have you had your bunsen burners sitting around but you haven't had anything to do with them?

Well you're in luck, because today's the day you can whip out that burner and make methane, ya know, just some good ol' fashioned fun!

2.) National Clams on the Half Shell Day

...What.

This is so nonsensical and random that I refuse to acknowledge this as a National Day, or a day at all.

3.) National Crayon Day

Cute.

4.) National Prom Day

I don't really see why prom needs its own National Day, it's already, dare I say, overhyped (did anyone see that crappy Disney movie, Prom? I mean, come one. It's a fun dance but it's not a fairytale!), but whatever.

5.) National Tater Day

"Tater" is such a funny word, so I think this day definitely deserves to exist.

Saturday, April 1:

1.) April Fool's Day

Best. Holiday. Ever.

PERIOD!!!!

2.) National One Cent Day

Does this mean you look for a penny? Will someone hand you a penny or slip one under your pillow? Or perhaps you're supposed to spend all your money until there's one cent left in your bank account? The world may never know.

3.) National Sourdough Bread Day

I don't like sourdough bread, so I declare this day INVALID, because I can.

4.) National Love Our Children Day

Umm... Shouldn't people do this everyday?

According to this day, you can forget about your kids all year long, except this one day, when you are obligated to love them.

Sunday, April 2:

1.) National Ferret Day

Why.

2.) National Peanutbutter and Jelly Day

100% yes, PB and J is a delicacy. This holiday deserves to exist!!!

3.) National Reconciliation Day

This one is actually really sweet. I approve.

Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you learned something (I don't know what that would be, it's up to you to figure that out). For a full list of this year's National Days, visit http://www.nationaldaycalendar.com to judge the absurdity for yourself.

Peace!