This is the story of the first time I fell in love. It was after a bad breakup and I was utterly heartbroken, I didn’t think I would ever recover. I took some time and focused on school. Over Christmas break I met a boy, and I know what you’re thinking but this isn’t that kind of story. We dated for a while but it was toxic and we both knew it. We broke up and went our separate ways, it was honestly for the best because if we had stayed together I never would have met her. It took me a while to fully understand what was happening, but before I knew it, I was hooked.

I love her. She is confident, resilient, kind, and I get to see her every time I look in the mirror. It may sound silly or narcissistic but the first time I ever fell in love was with myself, with the woman I became through all the hardships I’ve faced. I could have let the things that I’ve experienced turn me in to a shell of a person, but I didn’t. I persevered and stuck with it, and I’m extremely glad that I did. If I hadn’t, I’d be telling a completely different story.

Finding the me I could love wasn’t easy. It took a lot to get here. I had an incredibly unique childhood that had an enormous impact on how I relate to others. My upbringing gave me an intense need to help everyone I came in to contact with. In middle school, that need to help others came back to bite me in the ass. I lost my ability to connect to others in these years, I fell in to this poisonous cycle of self-loathing that continued well in to high school. I became cold. I no longer allowed people to get close to me for fear that they would use my insecurities to hurt me. I built a fort of ice around the most intimate parts of my heart and I swore I’d never let it thaw. I rarely let anyone catch me with my guard down. I was ruthless, I treated people as if they were disposable, like I could replace them with ease. I’m truly ashamed of the person I was then. I moved in with my best friend who is extremely affectionate. She helped me to defrost. I wore my heart on my sleeve and became very in touch with my emotions. I told people how they made me feel freely and without hesitation. I learned quickly that this is not a society made for people like that with the aid of a few relationship blunders. I didn’t consider until after the last time that I let my feelings get stomped in to the ground that maybe there is a better way.

I came out of these trials a new person each time. Eventually I realized that I could combine the best qualities from each "new" version of myself to become the woman that I wanted to be. Now, I know how to take care of others as well as myself. Now, I can express myself but also protect myself. Now, I know that everything happens for a reason and that I can handle anything that comes my way. This is not to say that I don’t have days where things don’t go my way and my confidence in myself falters, trust me it happens. Just like any romantic relationship, loving myself takes work sometimes. But I know that if I can push past the rough patch, it will be worth it. Being able to fall in love with who I am was the luckiest thing that has ever happened to me and I couldn't be happier.