I remember being in 11^th or 12^th grade and sitting in the auditorium of my high school during a rehearsal for chorus class. While the light crew was doing their thing, a bunch of us girls was spread out among rows, keeping ourselves occupied during those long stretches where we literally spent hours doing nothing (if you’re a theater or chorus kid, you know what I’m talking about). Our high school had an entire wing for girls who had gotten pregnant. The most recent girl to start taking her classes there had been in our chorus class. We all had our thoughts about the situation:

“I can’t imagine being pregnant in high school. I don’t think I could do it.”

“Keep your legs closed and you won’t have to worry about.”

“Yeah, don’t bring that situation on yourself. At least use protection. You have less of a chance of getting knocked up.”

“What protection? Almost every single one of those girls didn’t think twice about a condom.”

“I’m on the pill AND I use protection. Fuck being a teen mom.”

“That seems a bit extreme.”

“No, it most definitely does not. I know two of the girls that ended up pregnant, and they were both on the pill, and still got pregnant.”

“Why didn’t they just get an abortion?”

The conversation shifted here:

“Hell no. Again, keep your legs shut.”

“No, abortion would’ve been a better option for some of them. They are never going to be able to take care of a baby.”

“So then give the baby up for adoption. They’re the ones that got themselves pregnant, they should deal with the consequences. At least give the baby up to someone who wants it.”

“I think abortion should only be legal in cases of rape,” I said. My friend Sarah shook her head.

“It’s not the baby’s fault. Why kill someone who’s innocent, and didn’t ask for it?”

“And why punish the woman who’s innocent, and didn’t ask to be raped?”

“She can always give up the baby after it’s born. She doesn’t have to keep it.”

“Ok,” I said. “But that’s nine months this woman has to live the remainder of what happened to her. How is that fair? That’s just as traumatizing as the rape. And what if the kid ever found out how they were conceived? That’s just as unfair and traumatizing for them.”

I can’t remember exactly how the conversation ended, but I do remember this-we were a mix of females between the ages of fifteen and eighteen, of all races, some of us poor, some well of, some had scholarships waiting after graduation, and some of us were this closeto failing out of school. Yet we all managed to have a civilized conversation about a topic we were very exposed to -teen pregnancy- and our thoughts about it.

Whether we believed in a woman’s right to choose, adoption, practicing safe (or no) sex, or that an abortion was wrong in all cases, a bunch of teen girls were able to conversate about their differing opinions, and still stay friends. We listened to each other’s reasons, gave our own, and kept moving on.

Abortion is an even stronger topic today, yet it seems as if there is no civility in talking about it. And even though my views have changed from my 17-year-old-self to my now 33-year-old-self, I still have yet to find a diverse group of people with opposing opinions interact with one another the way we did as high schoolers in that auditorium.

I still very much believe with women who have been raped, or in cases of incest, abortion should be provided, if that’s what the woman wants. And while I will never be able to understand women who don’t want to get pregnant, yet knowingly disregard the many available and affordable options for birth control, what I do understand is that the minority of a group shouldn’t be punished due to the carelessness of the majority.

And this is what we all need to realize – the minority (women who became pregnant through rape or force) shouldn’t be punished because of the majority (women who don’t use protection, rely on access to abortion, accidental pregnancy, etc). What if we treated other situations in this same manner? Should we take away treatment for lung cancer because those who smoke know what the consequences are, leaving those exposed to second-hand smoke suffering this consequence as well?

Clearly, everyone standing around with posters isn’t improving this situation. What does this tell us? That we need a different approach, a different tactic, that we need to try something else. How about we take a step backward, and address the step that leads to this debate about abortion.

Why don’t we focus on the very act that results in pregnancy?

Why aren’t we putting our time, effort, energy, money, resources, negativity, positivity, judgment and compassion into providing kids and teens with extensive sex education, as well as access to tools necessary to prevent unwanted pregnancies? If you think promoting education about sex will only lead to more sex, take a look at a country who is doing exactly all of this, with staggering results:

Evidence-based activism. This is the approach we should be endorsing, the kind of activism we can all get involved in, whether we are pro-choice or pro-life. We should be giving the future generation every opportunity to succeed, and this includes teaching them about respect for the bodies of others as well as their own.

Planned Parenthood is associated more with abortions and less for giving females of all ages a better life. This misinformation is spread by the ignorant. Educate yourself or someone who might need to see this:

As feminists, we act like we’re strengthening the future of females, that feminism is on the rise, and that women today have more rights than ever.

There’s a slight problem with our agenda to teach females that “it’s their body, it’s their choice.”

So, I have to ask those of you who support abortions this:

In this day and age, when we’re trying to show females to be proud of their bodies, to embrace what they look like, why aren’t you more concerned with teaching these impressionable young girls to take care of their bodies, respect their bodies, cherish their bodies? Why aren’t you more concerned with believing this about your own body? If what’s inside is what counts, if it’s your body and your choice what you do with it, why aren’t you taking better care of your body?

I get where you’re coming from when it comes to the choice, the freedom, and the lack of judgment females deserve with their sexual relationships. Men are able to be carefree with their bodies because the ultimate consequence of having sex literally has nothing to do with their bodies. Women don’t have that choice, and it seems like the pressure to have this same attitude, to have this same right, is being mistaken for equality. This view is what has led to the rise of abortions, the effort to get more support for abortions, and the constant battle to prove this is a woman’s right, that it’s ok.

It’s not ok. There are so many options out there to prevent the need for an abortion in the first place. But even more, we aren’t solving a problem-abortion should not be the agenda we’re pushing to gain equal rights for women. Our focus, our agenda should be empowering any and all females, raising their confidence, and showing them that when it comes to sex, you can say no, you can yes, you can do whatever the fuck you want, as long as you aren’t putting the health of your mind and body at risk.

Don’t say yes to a guy, knowing that you don’t have to worry about pregnancy because abortion will solve that problem, but because you think he’ll leave you if you don’t have sex with him. This is what I am referring to when I say “as long as you aren’t putting the health of your mind and body at risk”, not the procedure of abortion. Because I’ve stopped thinking about that step. I want to focus on the step just before that, the step that has been ignored for far too long. This is what girls should be hearing when we tell them “it’s your body, it’s your choice."

We should be there for these young girls, supporting them at every turn. Instead, we don’t provide them with the most important tools, and then we either shame them, confuse them, punish them, force them, or judge them when they do make a choice. Either way, they’ve chosen wrong. Because one side is telling them they are strong for choosing an abortion while the other calls them whores and murderers.

Because one side is judging them for keeping the baby they had at 14, and struggle to make ends meet, effectively ruining both her future, as well as the baby’s, while the other tells them they made the right choice, because the other option is called murder.

None of this is working. Never in the history of earth has judging solved a problem. If you’re still reading this, whether you’re for or against abortion, stop thinking about all your reasons and justifications for your view, and consider this:

This was a female, a very young one, that we, as other females, failed to protect. We failed to protect her by not promoting education for healthy sex lives, and not ensuring this poor child had support instead of judgment as she faced a traumatizing event.