To The Guy I Thought Would Be The One, I'm Sorry
Swoon

A Letter To The Person I Thought Would Be The One

This post is a letter that I wrote to someone no longer in my life about a year ago. I think now, during my time of rebuilding, is the perfect time to present this to my blog. So, here goes:

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Hi. It's been a long while hasn't it? I saw you recently in the Starbucks Drive-Thru, and I saw you looking at me with the reminder of the time we once had. I know we were never officially together, and I know the end to our friendship was definitely not a happy one. But, I was not reminded of our ending-only our beginning.

I spent a lot of time wondering about you, and if I'm completely honest, I still do. I wonder how you're doing, how you're feeling, who you are now spending your time with. I wonder how college is going for you, I wonder if you're still dating her, and I wonder if you wonder about me. I know you probably don't, but I still have that glimmer of hope that you do.

I want you to know that I am sorry about how things ended, although I don't think it would have made much of a difference for us anyway. We were always on two different wavelengths. You were in with the popular crowd, you were charming, handsome, and a star athlete. I was on the outskirts, more so friendly with everyone, and an average athlete. But, I did manage to make plenty of people in our high school laugh, if I do say so myself.

But, we were still close friends regardless of popularity status or how different in general we were. Remember, how we always sat next to each other in our classes? Passed notes about other people in the class? Laughed our asses off about videos we would find during study hall? Remember calling each other on the phone and not hanging up for hours? The sweatshirt you gave me? I know I do. I hope you do too.

I also hope you remember our first fight. I remember that we didn't talk to each other for maybe a day, and then I gave in and had to talk to you. And, I remember the smile you had on your face when I sat down next to you. It warmed my heart because I knew even though we kept telling each other there were no feelings attached, there were plenty. We spent most of tenth grade together, getting closer and closer with each conversation until you went on your trip and met a girl.

I know what I said to you hurt you. I know that made you realize you did not have the feelings I thought you had. I know what I did was wrong. I know. And I know that I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am, except through this post which you will probably never see.

But, I still always think of you, and I hope that maybe one day you will call me and tell me you are sorry too. But until that day, I want you to know:

I hope you are happy with her. I know you have me blocked, but I just wanted to tell you that you deserve to be happy. And if she is what makes you happy, I hope you two are still strong. I hope you are succeeding in school and making plenty of friends. I hope you enjoy yourself, and I hope you do well in your life. I hope you and your family are safe. I just hope that you are happy because you deserve it! I wish you nothing but the best, and I still hope we can put our differences behind us and become friends again in the future.

I also want you to know that I have found people who make me happy, too. My current boyfriend gets on my nerves like you used to, but nothing we don't laugh off. He never fails to put a smile on my face, he tells me every day that he loves me, and he unconsciously reminds me of how valued I am to him. My friends now are from all over the country. We spend every day together, and we don't go a day without smiling.

You would be shocked by how similar we are to each other, and you'd be surprised by how much we love each other. I'm now losing weight, and life is finally starting for me. My hair is darker and longer, I have about a million piercings in my ears, and I am loved by so many. I workout almost every day, I don't eat at McDonald's anymore, and I actually play on my college club softball team now — if you can believe that. My roommate is the absolute sweetest girl in the world, and I've made a huge name for myself during the college nightlife. I love my college, I love my boyfriend, I love my friends, and most importantly, I love myself more now than ever. And believe me, it took plenty of courage and breaking down walls to get there.

I am now happier than I ever thought I could be. I hope you are too.

Although I've built this new life for myself away from our hometown, I do still search for your contact when I'm troubled late at night. I still wait for one of your long calls to take over my busy night, and I still hope you'll see one of my social media handles and think to send me a quick message. I still have the sweatshirt you gave me. I still have the notes we passed. And, I still have our memories. I like to tell myself that these items are just stuffed away in a box, never to be opened again. But, I can tell you exactly where the sweatshirt is in my closet and where I threw our notes four years ago.

It was difficult to move on from the loss of you, but it provided me with such fruitful lessons, that I can do nothing but thank you. I am an adult now and have so many other items to focus on and worry about, so it's often feeble when I resort to remembering us. But every once in awhile, I find myself praying that we will reconnect and forgive each other for the pain we've caused our hearts. You made such an impact on my life, in ways you will never know. But, I am grateful to you.

If this letter ever finds its way to you, I hope you remember the cliche good times instead of the bad. I hope you remember how happy we once were. I hope you choose to see past our differences. I hope you'll forgive me one day, but until that day comes, I will remain hopeful. Stay safe out there, and live your life to the fullest.

I will always be here for you like I promised four years ago. I wish you nothing but success.

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