I know it sucks. This doesn't matter. Not a single thing here does and I know that you know that. It is crazy to see your younger brother and know he is still caught up in something that you left behind such a long time ago. It feels like these times aren't going to end and like it is such a weighted and serious time. I can't believe how far it feels now or what a different life you live. Everything is controlled you are under a microscope and constantly anazlyed. You are struggling with dysphoria and identity and wondering why beliefs are shoved down your throat, who you are ins unacceptable, and why everyone must conform to something they probably don't even agree with. It is a conform or die type of situation and everyone has their own battles they are fighitng as you are. It is crazy that this all could be a lot easier if you weren't put this situation that seems to have all negative outcomes and impossible standards, but soldier through. Know that the years come and go so quick after high school. I would not go back for anything. I would not relive those confusing times of turmoil for anything. It is not something I miss in the slightest and those blurred memories feel almost like they belong to someone else. Someone who has a life so different from the one that I live now. In many ways your childhood was warped, many things were taken from you. You grew up confused feeling like your belief system was set for you and were forever confined by rigid roles, rules, regulations, and confinement. You look at public school kids and think they have it made and in some ways their life is a little better. Homophobic, transphobic, and backwards narratives are not thrust upon them as a part of their education, but you go to a big school. It has 39,000 people in it and many are LGBTQ+ and many are immigrants. Many are liberal, many have divorced parents, some are Christian, some are not. There is liberals, republicans, and many somewhere in between. There are people from so many backgrounds, families, and belief systems and they want to actually hear you talk. It is crazy to think not everyone thinks the way you were taught. It was such a small world and such a cage when there was such room to fly. It saddens me for you. The world was so much bigger and in some ways a lot kinder than what you thought. Being a queer in one of the most stifling environments really made you think everyone must hate you all the time. I think you're confused and damn do you change over the years. But please hold on. Do not do anything you will regret and pull through the best you can. Your parents never thought they would have a kid like this and I am sure you can tell me that you never would have asked for parents like this. Hold tight. It will be over soon. It was like a band aid being ripped off. I love you. Please please stay strong. We will build the life we know we deserve despite who tries and stop us. You are a force to be reckoned with, kid. Above all else you are a survivor. I love you.