Not going to lie… I'm a little pissed. We were doing great, you and I, for a while there. We felt good in everything we put on. We were confident. We were so incredibly stoked to wake up every morning. What happened?
I know, high school was tricky, but I was so good to you!!
I didn't eat junk, I was spending all of my free time outside, moving. I got plenty of sleep. I never drank or did drugs. Ok, maybe I had a little bit of an ice cream habit, but everything in moderation right?!
I didn't want to go on birth control, the doctors told me it would take the cramps that debilitated me for a whole week each month away. Why did you have to get all puffy and anxious?! I wanted to feel good ALL of the time and eventually, I was just being responsible.
By the end of senior year, I was so depressed. I didn't want to get out of bed. I started craving sugar and salt. My clothes were getting tighter and while all of my friends were "glowing up," I was in my room, on my own, in an oversized hoodie, watching YouTubers with figures I would kill for. The graduation dress I had been dreaming of wearing since eighth grade? Suddenly I didn't love it anymore.
Things were looking up for us freshman year of college. I was no longer surrounded by the narrow-minded, privileged girls of my high school who had personal trainers. I was surrounded by positive and confident girls and boys who were into more than size 00s. You really found yourself and what style felt most like you. Until you decided to join Greek life.
While I think Greek life was great for our social self, mentally and physically it was not our brightest decision. Pledging really took a toll on you. Too tired to think about anything but my homework and my new amazing chapter, I ate whatever I wanted and completely forgot about working out. Mentally, I was in a really tough spot. I compared myself to the older, prettier girls and was really hard on myself when I wasn't being as social as I could be. You should have never let the disappointment in mom's eyes when she came to move you out get to you that bad. It really wasn't your fault.
This summer we were doing GREAT. Motivated by the blow of mom's reaction to our slip up, we were working out, eating great, and doing our best to mentally heal. You felt great. By the end of the summer, you were ready to go back to school and kick some ass. We were in the perfect spot to keep going, keep working back to the girl we LOVED.
And now, here we are. Still out of shape. Still sad. Still anxious.
Yes, I admit, I spread us a little thin this semester, wanting so badly to maintain the excellence mom and dad take pride in. While I can't promise I'm going to go to the gym every day and eat clean every meal I can promise this. I'll do my best to be OK with us. I'm going to take more time to myself. I'm going to put myself first. I'm not going to compare us to other gorgeous girls we surround ourself with.
I'll believe, deep down, that we'll get back to that ideal Alice at some point. Just not right now.