In light of the recent events in our world and the bravery of men and women around the world who were, and are still being sexually assaulted and raped, but are speaking out about their experience, I thought about a list of what not to say or ask victims of these traumatizing events. The list is from countless men and women who have shared their experience with me and told me the questions and comments made to them when they were finally able to open up. Please educate yourself before really asking or making comments that put us, the survivors, through more damage.

1. “What were you wearing?”

In all honesty, does it matter? Just because someone decides to wear something revealing cleavage or a see-through bodysuit with a bralet, doesn’t mean they are also wearing a big sign that says “I want to be attacked.” If anything, they are showing how it’s okay to be body positive no matter if your 110 pounds or 280 pounds.

2. “Were you drinking?”

Are you kidding me? No. I know so many men and women that have actually been asked if they were drinking. Like alcohol made them tell someone to attack them or something outrageous like that.

3. “Is it really rape/sexual assault if you didn’t put up a fight?”

Well, let me just school you on something that no one wants to talk about. According to Dr. Martin Anthony, a psychology professor at Ryerson University, “Freezing is actually a common response to a threat that we see in mammals, in fact, not just humans.”

What people who haven’t been a victim don’t understand is the fact that your body goes numb. You are so shocked it happened that you don’t know how to react. For me, when I was assaulted, it took so much just to let out a scream. Everyone is different.

4. “It’s not rape/sexual assault if you're married.”

Didn’t your parents ever tell you “NO means NO!”? Tario & Associates P.S attorneys state that 29% of Sexual Assault crimes against adult women are committed by husbands, common-law partners, or boyfriends; and 9% or all reported rape cases were committed by a husband or ex-husband. The saddest part is that 18% of marital rape and sexual assault victims say that their children witness the attacks.

The two most common times for spousal rapes occur is when a woman has been just discharged from a hospital (often after giving birth and when the doctor orders not to have intercourse) and when the woman is feeling sick. Marital rape and sexual assault is REAL and happens more than you would know.

5. “Why are you doing this to them and their family?”

This one is one I get all the time. “Why do you have to still talk about it and ruin their family?” Well, why did he have to hurt me? Why did he have to come in the bedroom when I was naked and demand that I kiss him?

I'm sorry, but it’s wrong to force yourself on someone and expect them not to tell. They know it’s wrong to do that. If something happened that is one, against the law, and two, morally wrong to do, I am going to tell and make sure it does not happen to another individual.

6. “Are you misunderstanding the situation? Were you giving them mixed signals?”

No, I am 110% sure this happened to me. Even if you were flirting, it doesn’t mean that you are saying yes. There is a HUGE difference when being forced to have sex or be touched without giving permission. This is how society gets things so misconstrued, there are people out there men and women, that think that just because you bat your eyes, you are asking to have a hookup or asking to be touched. Don’t you think it’s time that we stop blaming the victims and start putting our attackers away instead of continuing letting them have the chance to do something to another person?

7. “But it happened SO long ago…”

Yes, it may have happened when you were a child, or twenty-something years ago, but so what? We have to live our lives in fear and sadness. We feel like we have to constantly watch our backs or gestures to strangers. Did you know that so many men and women are afraid to even walk out their door because they are afraid their attacker will show up again? Why should someone live their life in fear? When someone decides to open up about their experience, we need to listen.

8. “Would you say that there were some bad decisions on your part?”

Recently, a woman in her mid-30s messaged me after reading my article, she went into great detail about her psychiatrist and she said that her psychiatrist asked her this question. Crazy right? No, you’d be surprised on how many men and women get asked if they put themselves in that situation. Whether you went out on a date, or not if you were attacked just know it is NOT your fault. You didn’t make something bad happen to you, you didn’t let this happen.

9. “That would never happen to me.”

This is the hardest thing to say, it can happen to you. Like Lady Gaga said, “Until it happens to you, you won’t know how it feels.” You really won’t. Go on social media and see how many hundreds of thousands of people have used the #MeToo. You will see how many men and women get assaulted at least once in their lifetime. It breaks my heart.

We need to stand together, raise our voices, and make a difference. We need to enact changes for victims of heinous crimes. We need to be strong. We need to show support for women and men. We need to stop blaming victims and start punishing those who commit crimes against men and women.