As a woman who is done with having babies and is past the “uterus needs a baby now” phase, periods really serve no purpose to me. Logically I understand that it’s a part of life and the female body is an intricate web of nerves, emotions and nonsense filled with extra blood several days a month, but my opinion still stands. I can think of a million things I’d rather occur each month than a visit from the never on time Aunt Flow. Here’s my top eight.

1. An actual visit from an actual aunt named Flow.

Seriously, how awesome would that be? She would be quirky, fast-talking, probably snorts when she laughs and always has a bag of chocolate. And in my head, she’s a part of the Red Hat Society, take it or leave it.

2. Donating blood to dying people.

Slightly inappropriate and I totally get that, but what better way to spend your days? Donating blood is a serious issue and more people should donate blood. Is there a sign-up list that can swap out my flow for donation?

3. Spending the day with puppies.

Or even kittens, the love is basically the same. For one full day, eight hours, instead of focusing on a pad riding up my crack, I’d rather focus on getting lovings from a dozen puppies. That puppy breath is amazing and regardless of how done I am with having babies, I’m not sure I’ll ever get tired of puppy breath.

4. Having a single day to do absolutely nothing.

As a mother of two, a single day to do absolutely nothing is something I dream about. They happen very often, never last a full day and I can’t remember the last time I had one. My single day includes a bubble bath, not stepping foot in my kitchen and binge watching shows on Netflix.

5. Watch child birthing videos for four hours.

This isn’t something I would actually like to do, but it could be a good deterrent to make people want to be careful when having sex. If sex education was a class that every person was required to go through with the full-length videos of having a child come out of a very sensitive spot, I’d bet more people would be willing to practice abstinence and safe sex. Also, I think four hours is a good cut off because people do need time to recover and have an appetite to eat.

6. Watch Steel Magnolias, My Girl and every Nicholas Sparks movie back to back.

I could be the only one here, but I am a woman full of emotion. I tend to use my period days to let my emotions run wild. One night out of my several nights, I fill up on chocolate, tissues and sad or sappy movies. Don’t judge me and I won’t judge you.

7. Be an extra on the set of Carrie.

Since I’m already a professional on cleaning up bodily fluids from not only myself, but also my children, I feel like this would be a walk in the park. Also, since this is free range requests, can I have the 1976 cast? Sissy Spacek is pretty awesome. Thanks!

8. A text message, email or snail mail of congratulations.

A simple text message saying, “Congrats, you’re not pregnant” or “Your body is right on track” or “Maybe next month” would suffice. Why our bodies are designed this way is all a part of the biological flow of things is beyond me, but I suppose is something after 26 years that I should just accept as a part of life.

There you have it, folks. A quick list of things I would rather have or do than get a monthly visit from Aunt Flow. Why is it called Aunt Flow? Is it because she’s never welcomed through the door, never on time, stays too long and never cleans up after herself? Or is it just a clever play on words? If you could replace yours with anything, what would it be?