7 years, 10 suicides. Growing up in Palo Alto, my peers and I were seen as privileged teenagers with an exceptional education system and endless resources to lead us into our successful lives. It wasn’t that simple.

It took me a long time to get the courage to write this article, as the topic is rightfully entirely controversial. I wasn’t sure that it was appropriate to write about, especially because I know many people who were personally affected by the suicides that have occurred at my high school. Recently, however, the topic of suicide was brought up again and it got me thinking about the fact that the incidents occurring where I grew up were not in fact normal.

When I was in 8th grade, I called my mom from a friend's house to ask her what everyone in the family was up to and to see if she could come pick me up. She told me that my brother and sister had gone to visit the parents of a friend of theirs who had recently taken her own life. I had met this girl days before. The response that I had to her telling me this information was a phrase that I began to say all too often. “Another one?” I asked.

After a while, though it is hard for me to admit, it became a matter of “who was it this time?” Most of the suicides occurred on the train tracks, making the tragedy a public display and drawing even more media attention. There was always a quick moment of fear that with those 10 suicides, you would hear a name that was all too close and familiar to you. Realistically, however, it didn’t matter if you knew them personally because each and every one of them was a part of my high school community and therefore the connection was there regardless of any personal relationship with the person.

The suicides began before I entered my high school, stopped the four years that I was there (with the exception of a few attempts), and continued after I had graduated. The desensitization that overcame me, and I’m sure those around me, was appalling. At just 14 years old, I should not have been used to the idea of suicide. The topic eventually became a dinner table conversation simply because of how casual it became to discuss, even when it shouldn’t have been. I cannot begin to imagine what it would be like to wake up one morning, walk through campus, and know that one of my classmates had taken their life.

When I finally graduated I thought to myself, “Wow. We made it. No one took their life during the whole 4 years that I was there.” Unfortunately enough, that was a thought that only lasted a short time. In the past 2 and a half years, my graduating class has lost 2 of our members to the evil disease that is depression--a battle that many believe is one that cannot be beat.

All throughout high school, I wanted to blame the school in itself. I did everything in my power to nitpick and find ways in which the school could have been at fault. I mean, it couldn’t have been a coincidence that a majority of the suicides occurring in Palo Alto at the time were all from one high school. Right? People across the country knew about my school, and I can’t count on my fingers the amount of people that asked me, “Oh, isn’t that the suicide school?” when asked where I went to school. Magazines such as The Atlantic even covered a story on it. It took me until I had lost two peers from my grade AFTER leaving the school to finally realize that who I thought was at fault, was not. The fact of the matter was that there was no one at fault, and that was something that I needed to understand. In the moment, it just seemed easier to find someone or something to blame rather than accepting the fact that depression and suicidal thoughts are not things that can be appointed to one specific cause.

Something that made the whole process extremely hard for me was that I felt as though I did not have a voice. Who was I to try to explain why these kids were jumping in front of the train? Who was I to explain their mental disorder when I had absolutely no way of personally knowing what was going through their minds or what was happening behind closed doors? It wasn’t my place to do so, and it’s not the place of anyone else’s.

Palo Alto took steps toward preventing the suicides. There are security guards sitting at every railroad crossing in Palo Alto 24 hours a day, which was something that I had to get used to seeing. After going home for spring break, it was nice to see that even though there hasn’t been any occurrences recently, and it’s been two years since I graduated, there are still security guards out there doing what they can to help alleviate the amount of suicides that occur. I can’t speak for my high school specifically, as I am not up to date on what actions they have taken. However, I can say that I am proud to grow up where I did and though at times it was hard to see so many horrific events occur at such a young age, I know that I would never have wanted to go to any other high school.

To the friends and families who have lost loved ones to suicide, I give you my deepest condolences. I promise that you are not alone.

*If you or a friend are having suicidal thoughts, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Crisis Text Line by texting “connect” to 741741. Taking your life is not worth it.