Through an internship with school I was able to interact on multiple occasions with victims of domestic abuse. These survivors all have different stories, and no two are ever the same. However there were a few common things I found myself repeating over and over.
1. Nobody can tell you how you should feel
Nobody lived that trauma but you. Nobody gets to dictate how you react. If you’re angry, sad, scared, etc that is all perfectly acceptable. And nobody has the right to tell you that what you’re feeling is inappropriate for how long its been, for what happened to you, or for your choice on whether or not you’re ready to start dating again. This isn’t to say that people don’t have your best interests at heart, and they aren’t trying to help you, but they didn’t survive what you did, and they don’t understand what you’re going for.
2. It is not your fault
You are the victim here, you didn’t do anything to cause the violence against you. You have nothing to be sorry for, and nothing to regret. The actions of another person against you do not say anything about the kind of person you are. You don’t need to explain yourself, or justify what happened. You are the one who was wronged.
3. It’s Okay to ask for help
The aftermath of domestic violence is a turbulent journey. You might not have a safe place to live, you might not have any way to get around, you might have to completely start over. You might just need help with something small. No matter what the issue is, it’s ok to ask for help. You are rebuilding from the bare bones of a ravaged and torn apart life. You might be lost and in need of some direction, or some kind of help back on your feet. Don’t be afraid to ask people to help you, there are plenty of people who want to help you become successful despite the circumstances you are in.
4. It’s okay to be slow to trust people
A person you trusted to be an integral part of your life (be it a family member, a significant other, etc) proved to be a predator. This is someone you thought you knew and could trust implicitly. It makes you question all of your instincts about people, and it makes you second guess yourself. All of that is normal, and your desire to make sure everyone who comes into your life is going to have a positive impact doesn’t make you paranoid, or reclusive. Protecting yourself is human instinct.
5. Regardless of gender anyone can be a victim
Whether you’re a male who’s girlfriend beat them with kitchen utensils (surprisingly common), or a young man who’s father took his discipline too far, your gender doesn’t eradicate your validity of being victimized. You survived the
6. Being a survivor is not a shameful thing
If you are a survivor of domestic violence you shouldn’t feel ashamed. You shouldn’t feel the need to lie to your co-workers about you missing work for an arraignment hearing, or to your family about what happened, or to your next relationship. I’m not saying you should shout it from the rooftops, but this is no longer a “family matter” and something that shouldn’t be talked about. Domestic Violence is a very real and predominant problem and conversing about it could help someone else who is facing similar problems.
The support for those facing domestic violence is wide spread, if you search it on tumblr this message pops up.
If you or someone you know is struggling with domestic violence below are some sites and numbers they can access to get the help they need
Domestic Violence 24/7 Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
One Love Foundation: http://www.joinonelove.org/
Break The Cycle: http://www.breakthecycle.org/