Well first of all, I love you too. I am very grateful to have a male figure in my life, but if I'm being honest I feel as though I'm missing out on so much when it comes to our daddy-daughter relationship. Here are six things I've always wanted to tell you, but never had the guts to.
1. I wish I knew you better.
I wish I knew which beer was your favorite. I wish I knew what your favorite TV show was, or your favorite movie. What size shirt you wear so I could buy you a new one. Rather you like silver or gold so I could get you a watch or what type of gifts you like period. I wish I could answer those cute Facebook tags that are like "How Well Do You Know Your Dad?"... but I can't, and it sucks.
2. Fake laughs and forced smiles? They suck.
The only thing worse than forcing a conversation is pretending that you're enjoying it. 19 years and our conversations are still filled with nervous smiles and chuckles. I thought eventually we'd come around and discover a few more similarities but no, it's all the same. If we aren't talking about guitar, food, school, or family, then chances are we aren't talking.
3. I'm jealous of her.
It's crazy to sit back and think you used to hold me the way you hold her. To think that at one point in my life, you were the man whose shoulder I cried on and you were the man who stopped the tears. One day she'll fall and come running into your arms. She'll ask you for advice. She'll bring home her first boyfriend for you to interrogate. You'll attend her sports events or concerts or dance recitals. You'll eat together and laugh together. You'll watch her grow day by day and you'll never miss a beat. You'll learn to know her, know what makes her mad, and know what makes her happy. I can no longer say I'm your only girl because there's a new girl in town, and I can't compete with her.
4. I'm jealous of her too.
Don't get me wrong. Your wife deserves the world. I think your love is beautiful and I love the way you appreciate her, but I can't help but wish that was mom. Although I feel as though life would've been great with you and mom still together, I understand that I can't be selfish. Just because I feel like it would've been great for me, that doesn't mean it would've been great for you two too. Mom deserves better. She deserves respect and loyalty and she deserves to be happy. All of which you failed to give her, but I know you will supply your wife with. I'm happy to know that you and your wife will give my new baby sister infinite love and happiness and that she will grow up in stable household.
5. I hope you don't think I ask for too much.
Believe it or not, I'm always hesitant to ask you for things. Even though you always ask me if I need anything, the last thing I want is for you to think all I do is use you and I really don't want to be a burden. I'm sorry for all the times I ask for gas money or money for food. I love you for more than just that.
6. I really do appreciate all you do.
Even though I only see you a few times a year, I'm lucky to have you as a dad; one who cares about me and loves me to death. My only wish is that we grow closer, the forced conversations fade into genuine ones, and I become comfortable enough with you to call you "Daddy".
I hope this Father's Day was a great one for you.
You deserved it.
