I was 110 lbs. overweight when I started my journey with health and fitness. I saw a photo of myself on vacation three years ago and realized I needed to make a change. I didn't recognize myself anymore, and I wanted to get back to being the woman I felt like on the inside. So far I've lost about 50 lbs. through diet and exercise, but I've lost more than weight.

1. I lost excuses.

I've had to administer some pretty tough love on myself these past years. Sometimes it was really hard. When I learned I had to adopt a gluten-free diet for a serious health problem, I was relieved to learn I could still have pasta, bread, and desserts. (It's Celiac Awareness Month!) Honestly, I used to eat a lot of those things. I used to eat a lot in general. When it comes to weight loss, it's all very personal so what applies to me may not apply to you. This is not weight loss advice. When I started to lose weight, I realized I had no legitimate reason to eat high calorie, sugar dense foods. It was like a bad break-up; the kind that goes on for months. I wanted them, they wanted me, but we couldn't be happy together. I'm not talking about the occasional dessert. I'm talking about clearing a tray of gluten-free donuts at 400 calories a piece, because that's how many it took to get full. It sounds so self-destructive now, but it was normal then. If someone had asked me what I was doing, I'd have said "Just having a snack." I reminded myself of the million excuses I had in the past to eat poorly (celebrating, treating myself, at a party, etc.) and I reminded myself that none of that was real. I had to get emotionally strong and develop discipline. I had to decide that living was the celebration, not the food, and I had to do better. I had to lose my excuses to lose the weight.

2. I lost a wardrobe.

This isn't talked about enough. It's simple, when you lose weight your clothes no longer fit. When you are a plus size person, finding clothes is often difficult. Not that there aren't great, size-inclusive brands out there now, but they may not suit your style. They may stick gaudy little accessories on all their clothes. They may not show off or downplay your best features. That was always my struggle. I loved all my clothes, and I was so sad when I realized I couldn't wear them anymore. It really sneaked up on me. One day the armholes of my favorite dress were suddenly too big. Another day my favorite jeans wouldn't stay up anymore. It was hard. It made getting dressed on a daily basis an irritating, sulky chore. 50 lbs. later, I have almost none of the same clothes that I did when I started. I have to admit that finding clothes that I like that fit is easier now that I am not shopping in plus sizes, but I still feel sad when I find something I liked doesn't fit anymore.

3. I lost emotional eating.

I actually lost this by accident, and I wasn't happy about it. At the time, I was recovering from an emotionally abusive relationship, and I loved nothing more than to come home from a stressful day at work and eat as much of an entire bag of frozen ravioli as I could. I would eat until I was so full I could barely move without pain. There was no one home to see me, and no one to judge me. I had burned so many bridges by staying in that relationship, and the few wonderful friends I had left didn't want to hear about how brokenhearted I was about leaving. So I ate. That changed abruptly when I had to go on a 6-week grain, yeast, and sugar restrictive diet for yet another health problem I had. I actually managed the 6 weeks without pasta. Of course at the end, I wanted to celebrate my success and dig into a giant bowl of ravioli. I had it all ready to go, so excited for the rush, the fullness, and satisfaction. I took my first bite and I didn't like the taste. I hated it. It was disgusting. I felt sick. I am not kidding, I made another bag thinking that the first one was off, but I had the same result. I didn't want them. I didn't even like the idea of them anymore. I threw out two whole bags of cooked ravioli, and I cried. I actually mourned my emotional eating, like, for days. I felt so sad and I didn't know how I was going to get away from it. It was a coping mechanism I thought I could come back to any time, but in healing my belly I had healed another part of me too, enough at least that emotional eating didn't make me feel better anymore.

Therapy did help though. Go to therapy! It's great.

4. I lost my baggage.

I used to believe that because I was heavy and out of shape that I couldn't do fun things other people did. I didn't go to the beach, even though I love the beach. I didn't hike, even though I love hiking. I didn't go to yoga classes, even though I love yoga. I had to check myself. If I wanted to be healthy, I needed to do what healthy people do. I had to make myself believe that I was worthy of these adventures and pleasures. When I started forcing myself to go to the beach, and on hikes, and to yoga class, I realized I'd been missing out for absolutely no reason. Is carrying an extra 100 lbs up a mountain harder than it is for someone with 5 extra lbs.? Yes. Yes, it is. That's how physics works. Does that mean it's not worth the view at the top? Absolutely not. We are all worthy of blue skies, waves, woods, friendship, and adventure. We just have to believe it, and go out and get it.

5. I lost my helplessness.

Once you figure out how to change yourself, in a healthy way that makes you feel good and happy, you start to lose some of your victimhood. I got to see firsthand how much my choices could affect the way my body felt, and the way I felt as a person. I used to have a list of symptoms as long as my leg. My doctors listened and helped how they could. In a way, I think I felt validated that they didn't seem to believe these problems were my fault. The truth is, I changed my diet and I felt better. I started exercising and I felt better. I left an emotionally abusive relationship, and eventually, I felt better. I quit a horribly stressful job and I felt better. Taking ownership of my health was the best thing I could have done for my body and mind. Everything you do makes a difference when it comes to your health and happiness.

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Lasting change doesn't always come easily. Losing weight isn't like losing a wallet, here one day and gone the next. It's a journey, and it can take a long time. There will be emotional hurdles. I have learned things about myself that I never expected, both good and bad. We get one body to live in, and I am so thankful that how I live is my choice