This summer, I worked at a deli. While there were many enjoyable moments, this article is not for positivity. It is for your own education. Please, do not be these customers.

1) Mr. And Mrs. Vague AF

You know the type. They come in, take a number, and wait their turn. They’ve had a good five minutes to look through our selection and see that there are several different types of ham, turkey, chicken, and salami, as well as a plethora of cheeses. What do they request when it’s finally their turn? “Hi, yeah, I want some ham.”

From there it’s a game of 20 questions where I have to laboriously guide them to the item they would like. Cooked or baked ham? Flavored or non-flavored? Honey, Honey-Maple? Off the Bone? Black Forest? No? You meant a cooked ham? What brand? Okay, Deluxe Cooked Ham. No? Oh, you want a lower sodium version? And you just decided to mention that now? Alright, Lite Cooked Ham. No, it’s not on sale this week.

And then they hem and haw about whether that’s still the ham they want and ask for a quarter pound. They then proceed to do the same with their Lacey Swiss cheese and their Genoa Salami, driving you crazy and making the other customers wait.

2) The Nit-Picker

Customer: “Could you make it a little bit thinner?”

*Turns slicer to the thinnest setting, turkey comes out with a few holes in the slice*

C: “Oh no, no, no, I don’t want it shaved.”

*Sets slicer slightly thicker*

C: *Sighs* “I guess that’s fine. Give me six slices of that.”

Seriously, if you’re gonna make me go through all that for six slices of turkey you better be ready for me to politely smile at you and insult you under my breath to my co-workers.

3) The Man Who Has No Idea Just How Much Salami Goes Into Two Pounds

He asks for salami. I ask for the type, and the brand. He specifies. I cut a slice and show him the thickness. He asks for it a little thinner, and I comply. He then requests two pounds. I nod and begin slicing. 30 slices go by, and then 60. I put the stacks of salami on the scale, and for all my work I’ve gotten 0.65 lbs. I keep going. My arm is starting to ache. The smell of salami fills my nostrils, and the stacks keep getting taller. I have no idea how I’m going to fit this into the bag and he, he is staring at his smartphone. He’s wandered off to examine the organic kale, and I am still slicing. 194 slices later, I have 2.02 lbs. As I begin to put it in the bag, the customer reappears.

“Woah, woah, woah!” He exclaims, “I only asked for two pounds.” I reply that this is, in fact, two pounds. He responds that he doesn’t need nearly that much. He asks for just half of the salami I have prepared for him. So I take half out of the bag and place it on the back table. Hopefully, someone will need more salami eventually. I retag his order and send him on his way, then go into the kitchen to yell into the void in frustration.

4) The Sampler

We have a new chicken! And a new type of cheese! And while we’re trying new things, might as well add some roast beef and ham and olive loaf. This person samples one piece of at least 4 different things, each of which I have to individually unwrap and rewrap. Ultimately, they end up buying half a pound of American cheese. Great.

5) That One Woman Who Is EXTREMELY Particular

She knows what she wants, that’s for sure. She wants you to change your gloves. She wants her turkey cut exactly on setting number 1. When you pull out half a turkey from the cooler, a large piece that was opened earlier that day, she knows darn well that she does not want her turkey sliced from what she calls the “end.” She wants you to open up a new one. Of each of the 6 things she orders. She wants to make your day as difficult as possible, for no reason other than her own personal vindictiveness. Just plain cruel.