4 is the magic number. I knew my best friend for 4 years before we even became friends. We were best friends for 4 long years, before we weren't. And lastly, it has been 4 years since we stopped being friends and I wonder what happened. 4 is the magic number and I don't know why. 

What's weird about friendship, you just one day decide that you like someone and that you get along and then you start hanging out and doing things together. It's just this pull between two people that is sort of unexplainable. It's a beautiful mystery. It took us all of 4 years to even like each other. Our friendship was far from instant and far from easy, but when it was good, it was unparalleled. Here's to 4 years of knowing each other, but not being friends quite yet. 

In the 4 years of friendship that we had, I can truly say, God couldn't have given me a better friend. We made cheesy dances to Justin Bieber music. We spent summers on the football field being a part of something we both loved. We seemed to make Free Pie Wednesday at' OCharley's a weekly event. We watched Christmas movies year round. We had crushes on far too many new boys, but we could never seem to shake the old ones. We'd spend days and nights crying over them and begging the other for advice, which we never ran short of because we were so opinionated. We thought we knew everything. We planned our lives and just knew, that friendship would last forever. Here's to 4 years of being the best of friends. 

The last 4 years though, they've been different. These years have been filled with questions. Sure, that life we planned turned out way different. At least for me. We graduated High School and instead of attending college together and staying as close as the previous 4, we drifted far apart. And sure, I blame myself. The little pink (+) on the end of a stick wasn't so little to our friendship. The little diamond ring he put on my finger, wasn't so little to our friendship. The little round belly that began to grow on me wasn't so little to our friendship. They were all life changing, yes, but I never knew they would do this to our friendship. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change my life now, but man would I have put in more effort then. Here's to the last 4 years, they've hurt. 

On the topic of 4, here's the 4 things I have decided to say now...

One- Thank you. Thank you for being the best friend I have ever had. You knew me. You saw every single part of me and decided to still be a friend to me. I had so many flaws and being a friend wasn't my best attribute, but you were there for it, you knew it, and you stayed true for a long time. 

Two- I see the effort you made. You did things for me while I was pregnant. I just think it was too much for you too soon. It was for me too. So, I get it. I don't fault you. While I say I understand, I do sometimes wrestle with what exactly was the moment that you decided to be done. I never had that moment, so I wonder if it came for you.

Three- I wonder if you hurt over it, because I do. I have seen your new friends (and some old friends) for 4 years. I have seen them have the same big life changes that I had. The difference is, you're seeing them through it. You are even part of it. In their weddings, posting about their kids, loving them in their season. Why was mine so different? 

Lastly, Four- This one is the hardest, but I'll be better for it... I'm sorry. I'm sorry if it was my fault. If I did or said something that pushed us apart, I am sorry. Genuinely. I think that may be noticed just based on the fact that 4 years later, I am still saying it.  

It took me 4 years to write this. For some reason, after having my daughter, my second child that you haven't been able to know, I find myself hurting more. I believe it's because when I look at her, I want her to have a full life that is full of friendship and full of what we had. She deserves that. I hope she has that. It took me 4 years to write this, and truly it has taken me 4 years to heal. In the 4th week of my 4th and final semester of college, a professor challenged me to write something vulnerable and real and this is it. So, here's to the magic number 4, you have shaped me, made me, and maybe one day, this story about 4 will hurt a little less.