Progress is a funny thing.

“Making something new is always good.” Sounds at least a little ridiculous, right? Like, there’s nothing at all about being new that makes something automatically good.

But even if it sounds absurd when I, a flesh-and-blood person, say it, our society runs on exactly that principle. One need not look any further than the most recent iPhones, which can’t even connect to headphones without a separate adapter, to realize that an “innovation,” no matter how stupid it is, will be bought and sometimes even celebrated simply because it’s new.

But it doesn’t stop with the iPhone. For your reading pleasure, here are 4 more innovative inventions that, though still in common use, decidedly make life worse rather than better.

1. Automatic-flush Toilets

I shouldn’t even have to explain this one. Occasionally they work as well as manual toilets, but usually, they just end up flushing a dozen or so times while you’re sitting there.

Theoretically, the only advantage to them is that you don’t have to touch a germ-covered handle to flush, but if those same germs are being surprise-sprayed up your ass each time the automatic toilet notices a difference in light and thinks you’ve gotten up, the manual toilet is probably more sanitary. Whoever invented these things deserves gulag.

2. Social Media

This relates heavily to my article from last week. The advent of social media is at least correlated with spikes in neuroses. I think it’s a huge part of the cause, as it forces us essentially to leave horcruxes all over the world, splitting our souls to reach larger audiences than we can conceive of, then forcing us to see ourselves mirrored in the perceptions of more people than we can possibly interpret. It’s some shit, y’all.

And what does it really do for us? If I want to talk to some friend far away, which would make them happier: Affectionately shitposting to them on Facebook, or writing them a beautiful novelette of a letter? The latter: The letter.

3. Plastic Straws

Drinking straws have been in use for a long-ass time. Like, since ancient Sumeria, at least. And the first modern ones were made out of wax-coated paper in the 1880s. Plastic came in to let straws reliably bend so that they’d be more useful to bed-bound hospital patients and small children, but the vast majority of people are not in either of those groups.

No, the majority of people are in the group whose lives would likely be made worse if the ocean had more plastic than fish. Which it will be by 2050 if we don’t pull some major switcheroos. I can’t tell you to go and commit ecoterrorism, but if you were to use a giant straw to suck up a straw factory, I couldn’t call you immoral. #stopsucking.

4. Industry

This one’s a hard sell, I know, I know. Straws—those clearly suck. And everybody knows automatic toilets are shitty. But industry…it’s about as ubiquitous as the air we breathe.

But has it actually made life better? Let’s weigh some shit out.

Cons of industry: Destruction of the environment including what may conservatively be called genocide of wildlife, restriction of human freedom by tying all lives to industrial stopwatches, forcing people into work that doesn’t directly affect them or those they love so that their lives feel purposeless, increased efficiency of exploitation of non-industrialized countries for resources.

Pros of the industry: A higher population can be forced to live purposeless lives because food supplies are higher, people can live longer purposeless lives, for now, more of the world and a higher variety of goods are accessible to more people.

Maybe Ted was right.

Now, what do y’all think? Are there inventions I’ve skipped over, or have I treated something unfairly? Skewer me in the Facebook comments.