Here’s an admission from an English major: I probably remember about half of everything I’ve read. You know what I always forget instantly, though? Required reading books. Something about being forced to read and discuss something makes you want to never think about it again. But even if you can’t remember the characters or even the plot, you still remember the lessons that those high school English books taught you. Here are the lessons I remember learning:

1. Dante’s Inferno

If you’re upset with authority, write a book about hell that features them being punished for sinning. That’ll make them notice you.

2. Invisible Man

Take the term ‘power struggle’ a little too literally. Don’t pay your electric bill. Nobody cares, and nothing matters.

3. Medea

If your wife would literally kill for you, maybe don’t try and divorce her for someone prettier.

4. The Taming of the Shrew

Don’t trust guys who treat you like a game. Don’t marry them, either.

5. To Kill a Mockingbird

You can pretend to read the book and still write a pretty solid essay, but you’ll always feel awkward when you don’t get the references.

6. Emma

Sometimes you think your friend deserves better, but what you’re really thinking is that she deserves someone richer. She’s a strong, independent woman. Leave her alone. Buy your own Taco Bell.

7. King Lear

Don’t be mean to your dad. But the play’s also a tragedy, so everyone dies anyway. So, like, do whatever you want, I guess.

8. Much Ado About Nothing

If you’re ever in a sticky situation, try faking your death. Everyone will be so relieved to find out you’re alive that they won’t ask too many questions.

9. Romeo and Juliet

Calm down. You’re 14. Write some poems that you’ll be embarrassed to look at in a couple years. Listen to emo music. You’re fine.

10. Macbeth

Prophecies are always misleading, so don’t get so cocky.

11. Oedipus Rex

Prophecies are always misleading, so ask your parents if you’re adopted.

12. Of Mice and Men

I’ve got nothing for this book. That was a messed up book. I still get uncomfortable just thinking about it.

13. Antigone

One person makes one little mistake like having sex with his mom, it snowballs out of control, and before you know it, your whole family is dead.

14. Fahrenheit 451

I think my mom burned this book as a joke, and I think that's hilarious, so I guess I didn’t really learn any lesson here.

15. The Iliad

Tell one women she’s the prettiest, and you’ll still be fighting about it 10 years later.

16. The Odyssey

Don’t wait up for your man. It may seem noble, but he’s definitely getting it on with Calypso on an island right now, so who looks dumb when you take him back?

17. Their Eyes Were Watching God

You don’t need a man to make you happy. Literally, let your hair down.

18. Metamorphosis

If people don’t care about you when you’re not a giant roach, they probably won’t care about you when you are.

19. The Importance of Being Earnest

Lying is okay if you get a good pun out of it. Also, Oscar Wilde would’ve hated this list.

20. Frankenstein

Don’t be such a drama queen.

21. Manfred

Same as above, but also stop being into your sister.

22. Pride and Prejudice

Surprise, both things in the title are bad things.

23. Into the Wild

People will go to a lot of lengths to care about you if you’re a straight, white, educated male.

24. The Giver

Sometimes surprises can be bittersweet. Like when you find out that this book is the first in a quartet. Which is so cool, but do you have time to read all of them? No.

25. Hamlet

Don’t come home from college.

26. Paradise Lost

Sometimes you think your kid is just going through a phase, but then it turns out he’s literally Satan.

27. A Doll’s House

Eat desserts whenever you want, and don’t let anyone else stop you.

28. Anna Karenina

Fabulously wealthy people have problems, too. Especially the Russian ones.