23 Hilarious Sue Sylvester Quotes From Season One

23 Hilarious Sue Sylvester Quotes From Season One

For some reason, her main comeback is always something about being a mouthbreather

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I came to Thanksgiving break unsure of what tv show I would turn to. I was in the mood for a good rewatch. For some reason, I'm never in the mood to watch a new show anymore. Well, at least a new, new show a.k.a. shows that are on right now. Shows were much better in the 90's and early 2000's. I've said it before and I'll say it to the end of time. So I was kinda difficult when my sister and I were sitting down in my heated bed choosing what to watch for this week at home. We pulled up every website with shows we could find (Netflix, amazon, Hulu and freeform.go.com... of course). I couldn't come to a conclusion, and my sister was about to kick me out of my own bed, when we came across a show that we had watched years ago. We had become severely obsessed only to stop watching two seasons in. That show is Glee.

I cannot believe I had forgotten how funny the first season of that show is. Sue Sylvester alone provides more comedic commentary to life in one episode than I make in my head in an entire year. So here I am. Writing yet another article on a has-been TV show that only super fans probably rewatch, so please, read these Sue Sylvester season one quotes to broaden your comeback repertoire.

1. “You may be two of the stupidest teens I’ve ever encountered—and that’s saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young Sarah Palin.”

2. “I will no longer be carrying around photo ID. Know why? People should know who I am.”

3. "I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves that live in your hair.”

4. "I don’t trust a man with curly hair. I can’t help but picturing birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and I find it disgusting.”

5. “You think this was hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they’re going in another direction. That was hard.”

6. “While they were in there, I told them to go ahead and yank out those tear ducts. Wasn’t using them.”

7. “Not everyone is gonna have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance. But I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage.”

8. “That was the most offensive thing I’ve seen in 20 years of teaching—and that includes an elementary school production of Hair.”


9. "[Ramps] are what I call lazy-makers. They discourage able-bodied students from getting proper exercise by using the stairs.”

10. "Your resentment is delicious."


11. Sue: "These students are like a caste system. All the popular kids are in the penthouse. All the nerds playing wizards and trolls in the forest, bottom floor. "

Will: "Where do the kids in Glee lie?"

Sue: "Subbasement."

12. "This is what we call a total disaster ladies. I'm going to have to ask you to smell your armpits.That's the smell of failure, and it's stinking up my office. I'm revoking your tanning privileges for the rest of the semester."

13. "If I were out to get you, you'd be pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now."

14. "I'm not an American citizen. I was born in the Panama Canal Zone. But I managed to get a passport and run for office twice."

15. "Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then, at Cheerios practice: DISASTER! It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. A quiver! That quiver will lose us Nationals, and without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements, and without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft."

16. "Look at me, even in the heat of battle, I am so elegant, regal. I am Ajax, mighty Greek warrior."

17. "Ah, a chink in the armor, huh? I am going to create an environment that it's so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years. You know why I did that? Because they tried to get me to pay their closing costs."

18. "In fact, I like minorities so much, I'm thinking of moving to California to become one."

19. "And what if I were to just innocently murder you, Will? I'd still have to go to trial. Probably get off with justifiable homicide."

20. "Bring it on, William. I am reasonably confident that you will be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at. Right next to being married,running a high school glee club, and finding a haircut that doesn't make you look like a lesbian."

21. "What would Madonna do? Well, the answer to that question is usually: Date a younger man. So, let’s see some arm candy, girls. Sorry, freshmen. You’re going to have to start trolling the middle schools."

22. "So you like show tunes. It doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you're awful."

23. Sue: "There's only one person who can tell you who you are."

Kurt: "Me?"

Sue: "No, me. Sue Sylvester."

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