Thirsty Thursday is lit and all, but the next morning sure as heck isn’t. After all the caloric intake of sugary liquids filled with bad choices and not getting home until 3:00 AM when you had to wake up at 8, your body isn’t really happy with you. You wake up completely unprepared for the day ahead of you. Sometimes you might not even participate in the day. However, if you do, a few things that might come to your mind.
Bartending is an amazing job for a poor college student. It is quick, easy money that usually does not take all that much effort. But then there are nights that make you want to slap every customer and then go cry in the bathroom. Here are the top 50 worst things about being a bartender:
1. People waving money in your face/snapping at you/slapping the bar. Do not do any of these things or I will make it a personal mission to ignore you until you give up and leave, or apologize for your rudeness.
2. Dealing with stupidly incoherent people. Know your limits, folks! Chances are, if you can’t even say the name of your drink properly, it’s time to cut yourself off!
3. Tip stealers. Yes- I notice. It is especially irksome when you try to pay for your drink with MY STOLEN TIP MONEY.
4. Reaching over the bar at me. It’s a BAR. As in, you are BARRED from crossing it. Do not touch me, do not touch my stuff, just stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine. Everyone wins.
5. Taking 10 years to order. If it’s a busy night and you are standing there huffing and puffing waiting for a drink, have your order ready! It saves us both so much time.
6. Adding a bunch of things to your order after I start fetching the ingredients. If I walk back twice after your original order, I’ll tell you I’ll come back when you’ve got it all figured out.
7. People who don’t tip. I make $7.50 an hour. The whole point of getting less than minimum wage is because it is supposed to be made up with tips. I’ll give you three chances to literally give me $1 for serving you. If on the third time you don’t tip me, I am not serving you again.
8. Asking for “that one drink I had at this one bar one time” as if I am going to magically read your mind and figure out what the drink was and what was in it. Just get a vodka cran and be done with it
9. “Make it strong” he says as he gives me a little wink. No. I’m charging you double for a double. Don’t expect more alcohol for the same price as a single
10. Repeatedly asking for water when I am insanely busy. I have no issues giving people water, but if I don’t even have time to take a sip of my own water, do not bother asking.
11. Expecting free drinks if you are friends with me. This is my JOB. I do not own the bar, I do not supply the alcohol I serve, and I will get fired for giving away alcohol for free. You wouldn’t show up at TJMaxx and expect your cart load of shit to be free if your friend worked there. Don’t expect the same from your bartender.
12. People staying after the bar closes. The longer you stay, the longer I have to wait to go home and sleep. I just worked nonstop for 4+ hours. Get the hell out so I can close the bar.
13. Barbacks that don’t do their job. If I have to wash my own dishes, fetch my own alcohol if I run out, and take time from serving to clean up the bar, don’t expect me to tip you out. I just did your job for you while you stood around flirting with girls.
14. I’m not your damn therapist. Don’t sit there and gripe about the guy/girl that “totally fucked you over” I. Don’t. Give. A. Shit.
15. I might not remember your name, but I will always remember your tip. I remember the faces of people that tip well and chances of me prioritizing you when it gets really busy go up exponentially if you’re a generous tipper.
16. Standing in front of the nightly specials list and asking me what the specials are. I promise you I will not list them off to you. I will point to the sign, and move on to the next customer.
17. Asking me to hold your shit or to charge your phone. Since when do I look like your babysitter? I have enough things to keep track of without watching all of your belongings, too. Your phone is dead? That sucks. Walk to the convenience store and buy a charger.
18. Don’t try and haggle the prices. They are set the way they are because that is how the bar makes a profit. If I say $6, don’t try and give me $4. Or I will have you kicked out
19. Do not grab fruit out of the fruit tray and eat it. If you’re hungry, go to the 20 places that are open until 4 AM and get a pizza like everyone else.
20. Don’t try and teach me how to do my job. I have had three different bartending jobs for two years now. If you have a different request for your drink, then politely ask instead of bitching that I didn’t make it correctly.
21. If I cut you off, it is for a reason. Do not try and argue with me. You are either stupidly incoherent, being incredibly rude, or it is almost closing time and I’m trying to clean up the bar. If you argued with me, I will have you kicked out.
22. Have your money out and ready to pay by the time I get back with your drink. If I have to sit there and wait for you to fumble around with your wallet and count out money, I am going to be pissed because chances are there are 50 people behind you waiting to be served.
23. Being offended if I don’t remember your drink order. There are 300 people in the bar, and just about 300 different drinks. If you are pissy that I don’t remember you or your drink, go to a less crowded bar.
24. Getting angry for me asking for your ID. “But the bouncer checked it” I don’t care. Bouncers make mistakes and are more likely to make a mistake if you have boobs. You look like you are 15 years old. Give me your ID or get out.
25. Do not interrupt me if I am serving another customer. Just don’t do it. I will ignore you. And I will not serve you.
26. Don’t complain if you order a beer or liquor that we don’t serve, never have served, and never will serve. There are thousands of beers and liquors. Pick another one that we have.
27. Trying to order drinks when I am cleaning empty cups and spilled drinks off the bar. If you want to lean on the bar and be sticky for the rest of the night, be my guest. But if not, shut up and let me clean.
28. Don’t ask for a fruit wedge if you are just going to put it on the edge of your cup like a decoration and not use it. Squeeze the juice out into your drink or get the hell out of my face.
29. Asking for a “double Long Island iced tea”. Are you kidding? There is already a ridiculous amount of alcohol in that drink. Asking me for a double is a great way for me to make you the exact same thing as always and just charge you double for it.
30. Using an outdated name for a basic drink. Unless you’re 50+ years old, if you call a “vodka cran” a “cape cod” you just made yourself look like a pretentious asshole.
31. Ordering a drink without actually knowing what it is, and then complaining that you don’t like it. Here’s a tip- don’t order drinks you don’t know the ingredients to!
32. Sending your drink back. Unless you ordered a vodka cran and I gave you a vodka red bull, don’t send your drink back.
33. Drunkenly ask if we are hiring. I just watched you down 6 shots of tequila, make out with four different guys in a half an hour, and puke on the floor/in a garbage can. No. Even if we are hiring, we are definitely not hiring you.
34. Speaking of making out- GET A ROOM. If you are so desperate for intimate touching that you will do it in a full crowd of people, leave. No one wants to watch you suck face.
35. Call a damn cab. If you try to drive home after I watched you drink double vodka red bulls all night, I will not serve you the next time you come in. You are the worst kind of person.
36. Don’t walk away after you order your drink. If you’re not there to pay when I get back with your drinks, I’m tossing them and moving on to the next customer.
37. Forget about hitting on me to get more alcohol. This is just my situation specifically, but my boyfriend is the head bouncer and he will throw you out if I ask him to.
38. Don’t make me pick your drink for you if it’s busy. Know what you want and don’t waste my time.
39. If you leave a giant mess when you leave, I’ll remember you. And I’ll make you clean it up while I stand there and watch.
40. Don’t throw up on the bar. I don’t care how drunk you are, do it far away from the place I make everyone’s drinks. Not only is that absolutely disgusting, but now I have to smell it while I wait for a bouncer to come clean it up. Also, you’ll be kicked out.
41. If you “help yourself” and get your own refill from the drafts right on the bar, I’ll have you kicked out for stealing.
42. Pleading for drinks after we close is not cute. Not only is it illegal for me to serve after 2 AM, it’s annoying for you to even ask. I already put the toppers on every liquor bottle and took out the trash. I am not serving you.
43. Ordering “a beer” when we have more than 25 options. Tell me what beer or get out of the way.
44. Don’t sit there all night and stare at me like you are undressing me. You will be asked to leave for making my place of employment extremely uncomfortable for me.
45. Please. Please. Please. Don’t order 10+ mixed shots. Not only is it really time consuming, but I know for a fact you are only going to give me $1-$3 even though it just took me 10 minutes to do that and I could have made $15 on six other customers.
46. Leaving for a ton of smoke breaks and expecting me to watching your drink for you every time. Again, I’m not your babysitter.
47. Don’t ask me to take your picture. Do I look like a damn photographer?
48. Acting like my best friend when I just met you. Don’t touch me, and don’t expect special treatment.
49. Asking for the TV remote. HA. We’re not changing the channel.
50. Just don’t be a dick. The lesson you can take from all of these terrible customers is to be polite, and don’t make my job harder than it already is. You won’t get the best service, or the best drinks. Have some common courtesy and remember the manners you learned as a child.
Ok, I've got things to do and people to see. Let's get this thing over with. Here are only nine good reasons I only have the time to write a listicle right now.