The first thing I do every single morning when I wake up is take my anxiety medicine and my antidepressant. The last thing I do every single night before I go to bed is take my bipolar medicine, my sleep medicine, and my anxiety medicine.

I take five daily prescriptions, one of which is twice daily. I also have a second "as needed" anxiety medicine, as well as a prescription for a migraine medication. I'm nineteen years old, and I rely on daily medications to keep me functioning.

I felt really inspired to write about it this week because I missed a dose of one of my medications a few days ago and it has completely thrown me off.

On Sunday night, I took my last dose of my sleep medication and sent it in to be refilled by my pharmacy. When Monday came, I wasn't able to pick it up just because of the way things played out, which meant that when it came time for me to go to bed I couldn't take my sleep medicine. I haven't missed a dose of this particular medicine since last summer, and I think a part of me forgot how miserable I'd be all night because I didn't have it.

I took the rest of my medications at 11, just like I do every other night, and then I laid down and closed my eyes. I was really hoping I would fall asleep, at least for a little bit, but unfortunately that was not the case. I was emotionally exhausted, and my body was tired but not in the sense that meant it would fall asleep. I felt wired.

I decided to do my laundry, do my homework, read a book, but none of that made me feel any less tired. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I didn't sleep a wink all night long.

All day on Tuesday, I was just going through the motions. I was exhausted, unmotivated, and cranky. I feel so bad for anyone who had to talk to me that day (sorry everyone). Thankfully, I got my medication and was able to fall asleep with no problem on Tuesday night.

Clearly, it's not good when I miss a dose of my sleep medicine, but it's even worse when I miss a dose of any other of my medicines. If I skip my antidepressant, I get lethargic and whiny and I cry all week. It's miserable, and I'm not even crying for any reason other than the fact that my brain chemicals are all messed up. If I skip my anxiety medicine, I'm jittery and paranoid and constantly on the verge of an anxiety attack. If I skip my bipolar medicine, it's a totally different story.

With any of my other medications, I'm back on track within a week, but missing so much as one dose of my bipolar medicine is enough to throw me off for weeks. Ask my sister, I turn into a hellion. A raging psychopath. A literal monster.

I start rapid cycling, so my mood doesn't stay the same for more than an hour or two. I get really irritable and I lose all sense of what things are and are not appropriate to say to people, as well as my sense of what's nice to say and what's not. I become even more argumentative than I usually am, and I take offense to everything. It's exhausting for me and for everyone around me, and I can never tell when it's going to end or when I'll go back to "normal."

A lot of people tell me that they don't think I need to be on medication, or that there are better options than medication. Maybe that's true for other people with other illnesses, but when it comes to my situation, the illnesses I'm dealing with are attributed to chemical imbalances in my brain. Obviously no one wants to be on five medications every day for the rest of their life, but for me I've had to weigh the risks vs. the benefits, and I've learned that I can't function without my medication.

That's a hard pill to swallow (pun fully intended), but it's my reality, and ultimately my life is better for it.