To make my life even more stressful and tiring than necessary, my computer charger decided to die for good (R.I.P. pal) the other day, forcing me to take a very unwanted trip to the Apple Store. In the nine total minutes I spent dodging employees and hunting down the needed product, I managed to combust into a pile of sweat and have a full-blown anxiety attack that brought me to tears. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, or at very least, week, as all Apple Store trips are. I have angst against malls in general, but the Apple Store is a whole different kind of hell.
1. Your phone, computer, iPod, whatever is broken.
You’re already pissed off and the idea of going to the Apple Store is only escalating that anger.
2. You have to make an appointment.
Seriously, who do you think you are Apple? Even if an appointment does prevent having to wait in a potentially time lapsing line, it’s just bothersome that the “geniuses” have the same ego as my doctor. I’m sick, my technology is broken, I’m going to come when I can and I’m going to need things fixed ASAP, regardless.
3. You walk into the store and suddenly you feel like you’re on Bourbon Street on Mardi Gras.
Why are there always so many people here? And 3/4 of them are staff so that’s just incredibly frustrating.
4. You are forced to check in with nine different people just so you can check in for your appointment.
There’s the greeter, the post-greeter, the welcome committee, and the bombard-you-with-annoying-salesman-questions team, followed by the three different check-in stops which eventually lead you to the appointment check in man with the red iPad who asks you for your life story and family’s medical background before finally sending you to a very uncomfortable, crammed in stool at the Genius Bar. Where you sit. And wait.
5. Because they’re never actually on time for your appointment.
Just like the doctor. It’s a Ph.D-Apple product ego complex, I guess.
6. You’re crammed in on the bar next to a bunch of elderly civilians who are asking the most basic technological questions.
And you’re frustrated because it’s detaining your “genius” from starting your appointment on time when all they had to do was Google the question. Or call Customer Service.
7. Or worse than people having stupid questions, they’re also tired of waiting, so they try to fill the time by making conversation with you.
I’m really not friendly enough to make conversation with strangers at the Apple Store when I’m busy avoiding exploding like a volcano with frustration and anxiety. Sorry, sir.
8. Finally your “genius” gets to you and they make your computer melt down seem like an insignificant problem.
Well Google couldn’t instruct me on how to fix it and I have a paper due tomorrow, don’t look at me like that.
9. Or they try like becoming friends or something.
Unsolicited social conversation. Nice.
10. Then they tell you it’s going to be a two-hour wait or so. Or worse, several days.
What to do with all this time…without Netflix, or Google, or Blackboard? What did people do before this vital technology? You will never truly understand but now you’re being forced to spend the next X amount of hours contemplating it.
11. The "genius" informs you that the problems you are experiencing have nothing to do with Apple at all, but rather the app or your carrier.
I don't care, Mr. Genius, just fix my problems, please! Because I went to Sprint in the attempt to avoid you goons and they told me this was an Apple problem.
12. It’s so hot in there you start to feel your skin melting off.
In the infamous words of my mother, “look out, I’m having a hot flash!”
13. There is no “shopping” at the Apple Store.
Between having to weave through people, avoid the painfully dedicated stares of the staff trying to sell you something, and doing your best to not gag at the way escalated prices, it’s practically impossible to get any real shopping done. You’d rather just stick to Amazon.
14. Computers are surrounded by huddles of teeny-boppers.
Because filling up every single one of the test-computers’ memories with duck-faced photos on Photo Booth is like, the most cool thing to do. (Admit it, you did it at that age too, but now you’re kinda over it. Because college, that’s why).
15. A post-Apple-Store-trip nap is 100 percent necessary every time.
Congrats, you successfully went without having a full-on panic attack in front of the entire store of people. But holding that in was more exhausting than anything you’ve done all week so now you require “me time.” Like a nap that lasts until your Apple product actually starts working properly.
God speed, Apple product friends. And stay safe out there.