After the tragic mass shooting in Las Vegas, gun control has become (yet again) a hot topic here in America. Whether you’re for it or against it, one question everyone asks is, “What would that look like?” The following is a list of some of the best ways we can further regulate guns to keep them out of the hands of the bad guys and hopefully put an end to their terrible, terrible violence once and for all.
1. All guns should no longer be able to fire actual metal bullets, but instead, fire those fun cartoony flags that say “Bang!” on them.
Everyone loves a good fake bullet gag, including those who oppose gun control, and with these fun flags as bullet replacements, everyone will be happy!
2. Guns should only be sold on days when it’s 72 degrees and sunny out.
Why go buy a gun when the weather’s nice? You can go to a park, you can stay inside a binge Gilmore Girls, you can do practically anything fun. One thing that probably won’t be at the top of most people’s list, though: going to buy a gun.
3. All people wanting to buy a gun should first be shot from a cannon through a ring of fire right into a chair at a dining table with a plate of spaghetti and meatballs on it, which they then must eat, and following that they must chant, “Meatball, meatball, spaghetti underneath! Ravioli, ravioli, give me the gunuoli!” Only then will they be able to purchase a gun.
This process kept the Krabby Patty formula safe from anyone who wasn’t committed to keeping it a secret. If it can work for Mr. Krabs, it can work for the United States of America.
4. All guns should come with a free sumo suit that has “#ImWithHer” written on it, and it should be worn at all times while operating the gun.
Oh boy, think of the outrage the NRA and its supporters would spark up at this measure. Not only would they have to dress up in a disgusting fat suit, but they’d have to broadcast their support for the evil Killary! There’s no way the people are gonna want to buy guns then. Maybe not the best approach, but it would certainly be effective.
5. Guns should only be sold on airplanes.
Think about all the trouble getting through security was the last time you went to an airport. Think people are going to want to go through all that just to buy a gun? No way!
6. All gun owners should be required to thrust their arms in the air, stomp their feet, and bellow into the heavens, “I am the puny weakling gun owner and I am prepared to shoot one puny weakling bullet from my puny weakling gun,” each time they pull the trigger.
Think anyone would want to admit they’re a puny weakling? Not a chance.
7. All guns, from here on out, should be made of bread.
It’s common knowledge that everyone loves bread. If guns were made of bread, people would be more interested in eating them than shooting them. Gun violence would be completely eradicated!
8. Signs should be posted everywhere guns are sold to remind gun owners that Batman doesn’t use guns and that everyone wants to be like Batman, right? Don’t you want to be like Batman?
Who doesn’t want to be like Batman? My bet is no one.
9. Guns should be called “Smorgfs” instead of “guns”.
10. All guns should be painted orange.
Orange is a great color, sure, but a gun that’s orange? That’s just weird. Who’d want to buy that?
11. People wanting to buy a gun should first be required to shoot a puppy to prove their commitment to the well-armed militia that would be absolutely necessary should the government ever become too powerful.
We were given the right to bear arms by our forefathers to insure that the government would never become a restrictive, power-hungry monster, and that, if needed, we the American people could take our beloved country back. So naturally, that'd be the only reason anyone would ever want to buy a gun, right? If doomsday were to happen, the government’s best defense would be cutie-patooty puppies, because no one would want to hurt a puppy, but they'll be wrong, son, because we'll be prepared, and if you want to be part of the militia, you’ve gotta shoot a puppy now because one day that might just happen. You’ve got to be ready for the worst, sport.
12. Gun owners should be forced to buy in bulk (with no fewer than eight guns bought in each purchse).
What do people like to buy in bulk? Toilet paper. Water bottles. Bananas. What do people not like to buy in bulk? Guns.
13. Water guns should be sold where actual guns are typically sold, and visa versa.
Okay, here’s the plan. We do the ole switcheroo and replace all water guns with actual guns and replace all actual guns with water guns. The thing is, though, that we don’t tell the bad guys. Good, hard-working Americans would know exactly where to buy the guns, but all the bad guys wouldn’t. All the bad guys would go to buy an actual gun and they end up buying a water gun. They’ll be confused at first, but then they’ll be overcome with happiness and joy (because no one can be sad and angry and bad when they’re playing with a water gun) that they’ll never want to buy an actual gun again.
14. People on the No Fly List should not be allowed to purchase guns, permits should be required in order to purchase a gun, anyone wanting to purchase a gun should be required to go through a background check, and other common sense gun control laws.
Look. The majority of this listicle might’ve been a joke, but this part isn’t. The United States needs to pass some sort of Common Sense Gun Reform. I don’t know exactly what that might look like, but I do know that it should be exactly as it sounds: common sense. People in the FBI’s Terrorist Screening Database (the “No Fly List”) should not be allowed to purchase guns, guns should require the owner to pass a background check, and we should not be making it easier to mask the location of a mass shooter. These changes should be put in place across the country, too, so a criminal can’t just go across state lines to purchase a firearm that would otherwise be illegal. Common Sense Gun Reform wouldn’t take your guns away or make it impossible for you to buy a gun. It’d just make the whole process safer.
The Las Vegas massacre was a tragedy, one that I hope spurs positive change. You can say whatever you want about it, blame whatever you want, but one thing is for certain: guns were used to take the lives of those concert-goers. Because of that fact, we need to start thinking of ways to make sure gun violence isn’t something we hear about every day like we do now. I, for one, think making all guns out of bread from here on out is a great idea, but I think there are some even smarter ways we can make everyone happy and keep everyone out of harm’s way. Think about gun control, and not just in terms of “they’re taking my guns away!” Think about it as “I’m keeping people safe.”(Also, the picture for this number fourteen is from a rally held in Washington D.C. advocating for gun control in 2013–four whole years ago–and is still applicable today. When is enough finally going to be enough? Probably when we finally start doing something proactive to change the way Americans use guns instead of just keeping the victims of gun violence in our "thoughts and prayers".)