About one percent of the world’s population identifies as asexual or they're on the asexual spectrum. With that being said, we may be few in numbers compared to the rest of the LBGTQA+, but we are proud and we do in fact exist. So, here are some things we're pretty tired of hearing. Whether you're asexual, aromantic, demisexual or somewhere in between you can relate. And if not, well, try to avoid these.
1. "You just haven't found the right person."
There are two types of people in this world:
And then people who are attracted to pie but don't feel the need to "date pie".
If I had a dollar for every time I heard this one I could retire and move to Sweden. Listen, I've met TONS of people. I've dated a good handful of people. I've been in relationships (albeit maybe not some the best relationships). I go on dates regularly. But this isn't "sexuality limbo". I mean demisexualities (like me) fall under this category too and they don't just fall in love with one person and then bippity-boppity-boop to Narnia after said relationship ends.
No. We go out and pursue another love interest like every other human being when the time feels right! We just like to build an intense emotional connection before anything else. And no, it's not the same kind of connection you're thinking about. It's a connection that only we can feel, that only we can describe, it's the feeling you feel when you find your soul-mate and you just know you and your soul in good hands. It's the kind of love you fall into and you don't fall out of it. It's when you find "your person".
2. "You can't be in a relationship if you're Asexual."
OH YEAH? JUST WATCH ME!
Listen, friend... Let me tell you a thing and educate thy mind.
A romantic relationship does not require sex. For hypersexuals, it may be a necessity, but those on the asexual spectrum, we are perfectly capable of having romantic interests without the end goal of getting under the other person's bedsheets (unless it's to make forts or cuddle). Again, I've been in a lot of loving relationships -- I'm just more interested in the mind and soul. I mean don't get me wrong I find lots of people physically attractive. I'd just prefer to cuddle or talk about the meaning of life over tea, coffee, bubble tea, wine, beer. In a box, with a fox... You get what I'm trying to say.
3. "That's not human."
Oh. Okay. Well, I guess I'm not human. This is news to me. Do you want to know something? I actually belong to a subspecies of human hell-bent on wiping out the heteronormative race... You know, just casual things. We have secret meetings every Friday night at 7:00. You should go. Oh, wait, they're a secret. Didn't you get the memo? Our cleverly crafted smoke signals? Friday nights are for the Asexuals. Didn't you get the memo? Kidding, but really, we exist.
4. "It's a phase."
I'm twenty-three... I haven't had a "phase" since high school. And that "phase" ended with those silly rubber band shapes everyone wore around their wrists. If being "Ace" ever becomes a "phase" well... wouldn't that be something? I guess I'm a trendsetter.
Ace: Individuals who identify with gray asexuality are referred to as being gray-A, a grace or a gray-ace, and make up what is referred to as the "ace umbrella". Within this spectrum includes terms such as demisexual, semisexual, asexual-ish and sexual-ish.
Demisexual: A person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between" sexual and asexual.
Semisexual: Someone who feels sexual attraction but has no desire to act on it or someone who does not feel sexual attraction but has a libido.
Ish: Well some people are "ish" and that's lovely.
5. "So what you're saying is you don't have a libido?"
Really? Did you have to go there? That's a bit personal... But to answer your question everyone has some sort of libido. Some have higher libidos, some have lower libidos. And no they're not broken. But that's none of my business nor is it your own. Just know that people aren't "broken" and there's "nothing wrong with them". Anyway, I assure you that I'm perfectly normal/healthy. In fact, I reproduce through mitosis. Like a strawberry. I'm actually a strawberry in a disguise. You've all been fooled this whole time.
6. "You're just confused."
So now I'm confused? Okay. BUT. Aren't we all? I mean how many universes are out there? Is there a parallel universe to our own? Why did Leo just now get his Oscar? Did Gilligan ever get off that island? Does Pharrell Williams even age? Will I ever learn to parallel park? I think I'm asking the real questions here. So who is confused now?
7. "I can fix that."
Okay, Bob the Builder. How about no. Listen, my mom has a saying she used to tell me as a child. It goes like this, "There will be no fixin' or wreckin' unless something is broken". So, don't try to fix what's not broken, pal. I'm perfect just the way I am, my guy. God makes no mistakes, right? Don't go thinking my sexuality is a mistake. It's just a part of me. AND I'M PRETTY DARN AMAZING.
8. "What if you want kids?"
There's this thing called adoption. Or the miracle of modern science. Just because I don't feel the urge to procreate doesn't mean that I can't. I mean it's not my "civic duty" despite what some people think. Not to knock those who want to be mothers, more power to you ladies. But right now I'm happy spoiling my four-legged, tail-wagging children and my adopted fish. Although, let's be honest... I'd be a pretty cool mom. Or foster mom. Dog mom. Whatever comes first.
9. "You're too young to be making these decisions."
Oh no Sherlock Holmes, you got me! Twenty-three years inhabiting this meat-suit and I'm not qualified to make my own life decisions. GASP! Well, at least I can go to night clubs, buy a lottery ticket, and drink copious amounts of alcohol while binge-watching Netflix. Not that I really do any of that - I mean I look 16 at best. At least I got that going for me, right? I guess I'll just revisit this topic when I'm lying in a box taking a dirt nap with my flawless young skin.
10. "You're just repressed!"
Actually, I'm oppressed. By the people that say these upsetting, hurtful things that I've pointed out so far. And depressed by society's lack of open-mindedness and understanding. But what else is new? I'm a Millenial, everyone knows we don't know JACK SQUAT! And if you get that last reference -- you're great.
11. "So are you gay, hetero, or what?"
We're people. We're whatever we want to be. The beauty of being in the Ace community is that we belong to a community within a community. You can be asexual and heteroromantic. You can be asexual and bisexual. You can be asexual and gay. You can be demisexual and aromantic meaning you don't fall in love but you feel sexual attraction. The list goes on and on. People just like who they like, is that so wrong?
Sidenote: Heteromantic, Biromantic, Aromantic, Panromantic, etc... Means that you are romantically interested in/attracted to a certain sex whether they're binary or not.
Sexual preference and Romantic preference are two different things by the way. Just like how sex and love are two different things.
12. "So you're grossed out by sex?"
Now I don't claim to speak for the whole Ace community because everyone is different and not every ace is an ace so-to-speak. But personally, no, it doesn't gross me out. Aka I'm not a sex-repulsed Ace. It's a human thing and we are only human.
But it does make me uncomfortable from time-to-time. Let me rephrase: Our society is obsessed with sex and that makes me uncomfortable. The negative aspects make me uncomfortable like hook-up culture and the unrealistic expectation that the porn industry sets. Those would be two instances. We live in a hypersexual world. It's literally plastered everywhere. Billboards, media, art, music... And while it can be overwhelming for me as someone on the ace-spectrum I can't avoid it no matter what. No one can. Unless you live in an underground bunker. But that doesn't seem too pleasant.
With that being said, it makes me uncomfortable because, in my opinion, it's a private and sometimes vulnerable occurrence that people should share with one another and no one else. Again, I'm old fashioned in that respect but hear me out here.
Yes, I cringe ad look away from sex scenes -- laugh all you want but I'm not the only one. But in all seriousness, I fail to understand the allure of hook-up culture and "FWB" relationships. Especially in the era that, we, generations XYZ, unfortunately, live in when people can't even be bothered to put their phones down and have a genuine human interaction. Everything is taken at literal "face-value" when you can swipe right or left on someone, jump their bones, and then see them walking through the same halls as you the next morning. Call me old-fashioned but it just seems all too messy, painful, and non-genuine.
I'd rather just play Twister in my pajamas and bunny slippers honestly.
13. "Is this a permanent thing?"
Do pigs fly? From what I know, yes. Do you think 1D will be getting back together anytime soon? DO YOU? It's a serious question. Frankly... I'm digging their solo projects. But you didn't come here to listen to me prattle on about 1D. But I was going somewhere with that.
Now, to put my sexuality in the simplest of terms, I'm going to quote Liam Payne's "Strip That", and yes I realize the irony of this song but it's so catchy.
"You know, I used to be in 1D (now I'm out, free)
People want me for one thing (that's not me)
I'm not changing, the way, that I (used to be)"
Here's the breakdown if you missed it.
With those parting lyrics, I have a message for everyone reading this. I'm a part of the LBGTQA Community and I'm very proud as an individual. I'm not a sexual person, that's just not me, and that's perfectly okay. I'd rather fall in love with your mind, soul, and your eyes because they are the windows to the soul. Other than the eyes, the physical things aren't that important to me. Also, sorry not sorry but I'm not changing anytime soon. Not now, not ever. Why? Because there's nothing to change. So take me for what I am - as a human being, with human emotions.
I am a Gray-Ace Demisexual and I am proud.
But, you can just call me Bailey - the human.