Do you wonder why all of your servers hate you? Why everyone gives you that evil glare whenever you walk into your favorite restaurant? Well, if you catch yourself saying any of these things, then you might have an answer.
1. Are you even old enough to work here?
Nope. I forged my birth certificate and my social security card to make the world believe that I am over the legal serving age because all I've ever wanted to do with my life is work here.
Like, seriously? What kind of stupid question is that? Do you think they just handed me this damn uniform and said, "Sure, we'll give it a shot"?
2. Can I see YOUR ID?
Um, excuse me, I am not the one asking for an alcoholic beverage right now. So my age is irrelevant to the fact that you are the one drinking. But if you insist on seeing MY ID, I will walk my happy ass to the back and get it for you if you deem it necessary to your visit today.
3. Yeah, I was ready for a beer 10 minutes ago.
Well, my bad. When I spoke to you five minutes ago about receiving another beer, you told me that you would be ready in a little bit. Therefore, your "10 minutes ago" comment is not necessary as I spoke to you in less than half that time. Do you want your beer? Or not?
4. I believe I also ordered fries.
....I just walked over to your table with 5 plates spread across my TWO arms..and you're telling me that you ordered something else? Are you that impatient to wait the 28 seconds it will take for me to walk back to the food window and grab your.. Oh, my coworker comes in clutch behind me with your stupid plate of fries. How dumb do you feel now??
5. Water.
"Hi, how are you doing to--"
"Water."
...."Oh, thanks. Lovely to meet you, too. I'm super happy to be serving you today.
6. Are you on the menu?
That's gross. And every part of you as a person is disgusting to me now. No part of that sentence is appealing to me in any way. If you even were attractive to me, you're not now. Not at all. And in case you didn't notice, it wasn't funny either. I'm not laughing.
7. The customer IS always right.
OOOOOhhhhhhhhhh you did not just say that!? If you want me to spit in your food -- say that. That is probably the worst thing you could ever say to me. And, by the way, you're not always right. You're actually very wrong, but you're lucky that I like and need this job or I would tell you just how wrong you are.
8. How much should I tip you?
One million dollars. Because you were so difficult and if you really feel like asking how much money I want from you, I'm going to tell you how much I really want. But at least it wasn't as bad as the next item on the list:
9. How much are you worth?
I'm sorry....what? I am worth way more than you'll ever be able to afford! I'm not an ITEM to buy like the steak you just ate. I don't have a price tag stamped across my forehead. Just pull out your phone and figure out 20% like a normal person.
10. I never complain, but (followed by a complaint).
Don't try to cover up the fact that you're about to go off about something that was beyond my control by saying that you "never do this" because you are. You are currently raising your voice at me because your fries were too crispy and, from the way you talk, this is not your first complaint. So you can take that word "never" and shove it RIGHT UP YOUR * ** * ** ** ***** **
11. I know I'm difficult, but don't worry, I'll tip you well.
You're right, you are difficult. And don't try to feed me some bullshit about you tipping me well. I know you and people like you who think $3 is a "big tip". So shut up and take back that lie.
12. You're out of Bud Light? Well, I get Miller at a discount then, right?
No. No. No. No. I will never understand why this question pisses me off so much. But it does. It makes you sound so entitled and every part of me wants to just walk away from you and give you to someone else.
13. Is this any good?
Oh, you know what? My bad, I gave you the bad food menu. I thought you wanted the real menu. Yes, it's good. That's why its STILL IN THE MENU! I may not like it but I also don't like chocolate and I'm pretty sure the entire population disagrees with me. So, yes, it is good. And if I don't like it, I will definitely lie to you and tell you that it is. Becuase that's my job.
14. I used to work here 10 years ago, I know how it's supposed to be.
How stupid of me, I should have known that you are the expert here. You obviously know more about the way things should be done than I do since you USED to work here and I only work here now, like right now. And yes, please continue to tell my manager the same thing because I know for a fact that you know more than she does. Because her polo and gold name tag are really just a disguise. And just between you and me, I don't even think she's old enough to work here.
Seriously, people, stop pissing off your servers. No, I would never spit in your food, but I can't promise that someone else wont.