I've learned very well over the course of a few years how to be "okay." Someone can only be "okay" for so long till "okay" doesn't have a meaning anymore. One person can't hold together a family forever. One person can't be a strong anchor for too long. Soon that anchor will snap the small thin string that was once a thick chain. You look at him, he doesn’t even see you, but you see that he is higher than the empire state building. You are sitting on the ground looking up wondering what it feels like, being "like that." When he is high up there, but you are sober and more on top of the world. Why are you the one to watch it all crumble down? You collect all these terrible visions that happen right there in front of you. You wish you could just erase your memory, and get rid of these thoughts that keep replaying over and over in your head. You just want to sleep…Why won’t your brain stop thinking? You just need to sleep without panic. The words don’t stop flowing, and the thoughts won’t stop coming. You are running out of pages in the book that you’ve been writing, keeping track of all the bad things that you need to tell him when he wakes up again. You need to tell him what happened last night because for some reason he’s the one who gets to sleep through it all.

1. You will always be second best in their life

I mean that in every aspect possible. Drugs will always come before you unless they are asking for money. Your love for them might be strong, but that drug doesn’t have to touch them to make them feel warm.

2. You are going to have to get used to being used

It’s hard to be around someone who treats an object like their second half, and you like an object. I would get used as an ATM; I was sucked dry, emotionally and mentally. They will steal from you, they will lie to you, and they will manipulate you till there’s nothing left. Any gifts you’ve given to them will be brought to pawn shops for cash so they can get their fix. They will go through your stuff and steal it, then sell it for money. They will even take some of your prescriptions, so it's best to hide those.

3. They can hide it

You might think, “Oh, a drug addiction, that’s not a secret, you can tell when someone does drugs.” That is not true. Addicts become masters at hiding it; they know all the tips and tricks to hide things right in plain sight. Some good clues, however, include mood changes, being constantly tired, or having way too much energy. They might wear long sleeves to cover track marks (even in the hot summer heat), make constant trips to the bathroom, and their noses excessively.

4. Once you find out, you will always be questioning them

Once someone lies to you, even the truth sounds like a lie. Addicts are excellent liars, and you will find yourself questioning every single thing they say to you. For some reason, you might even believe them.

5. They have a disgusting amount of charm

I will never forget the way his voice sounds when he talks. It gives me anxiety now and makes my body tense up. His words fall so freely from his mouth with this overly excited tone. You’ll look at him when he speaks, but his eyes aren’t looking at you. His eyes will look right through you. He knows what to say and how to say it, only some of us know its all bull, but 90% of us fall for it.

6. You will never feel safe

I know that might sound crazy, but for me, I never feel safe around him. I’m constantly watching my back or wondering what he is capable of.

7. They don’t know how to love

This isn’t true for every addict, but a good amount of them are selfish. They only care about themselves.

8. You will get phone calls

I was traumatized by the number of times my phone would ring, and I would freeze before I answered it. Thinking it was my parents or the police saying “your brother is in the hospital." A number of times it happened. It’s scary to think that any phone call could be the one saying, “Your brother just overdosed and didn’t make it.” or “An inmate from the county jail would like to speak with you. Press 3 to accept this call." No one should ever have to experience that moment of fear. I have witnessed overdoses in my life due to my line of work as well as seeing them happen to people in my personal life as well. It’s traumatizing to see someone slowly slip into an overdose then start changing color. That sticks with you forever.

9.Money won’t ‘fix” an addiction

Money won’t ‘fix” an addiction not even all the money in the world can cure an addict. You can spend as much as you want on rehabs, detox clinics, on medications, and on treatment centers. It’s not going to work. An addict will not stop till they are ready to stop or until they die.

10. You will want them to OD

I know, that sounds harsh. Honestly, at least one point during this if you love an addict you will wish they would just die already. This way the constant worrying of where they are will stop. They will no longer be hurting and struggling; they will cease to be hurting the people around them. Sometimes you wish that the last time they ever used, will physically be the last time they ever used. You might not want it to happen, but then maybe you can take a real breath almost like a break. You love them so much, but it’s killing you to think they are killing themselves over and over again.

11. They will cause issues in the family

Suddenly their problems will overflow onto the household. People will be blind or in denial to the way their child is acting that sometimes siblings are the first ones to notice there is an issue. For some reason, everything you do will become dramatically worse than the s*** that your brother is doing. You might have completed your first marathon, but because your brother got arrested last night for a DUI, the congratulations you deserved has gone unlooked. “Oh, that’s amazing you got engaged?!” Save your good news for a day when your sibling isn’t around so the attention can be directed towards you. You will feel the anger and hostility are being directed to you, and it might very well be like that. Try not to take it personally. Your parents are just as stressed as you are; they are just in a different position than you.

12. They “don’t have an issue.”

Drug addicts themselves don’t think they have an issue, especially if they are early into the addiction. To be honest, how can someone see they have an issue if they are always drunk or nodding out? They won’t see there is an issue till they are ready to admit it, hopefully, sooner than later.

13. Things will never be the same.

I used to be very close with my brother. Once he started having issues with the law, I knew there was something wrong. People overlooked my cry for help, to help him. Now he is spiraling out of control. I feel lost and lonely. I don’t recognize him when I see him, his voice sounds fake and forced. He is an entirely different person to me. I had to take actions to protect myself and my own family. I’ve given up trying to get anyone to hear me because he walks on top of the water to other people. Unfortunately, if he ever becomes sober, I don’t think I will never have a relationship with him again.