I have been a lifeguard for over four years at three different aquatic facilities. Sometimes it is stressful, particularly when it is a hot crowded day with lots of small children. However, the long hours of sitting and staring out into the masses can get boring. During these times I have only my own mind to keep me entertained. So what do I do? I think about useless things. I try not to think about productive things. That is no fun. Today, I spend a few hours life guarding. Here are twelve thoughts that I can recall having:

1. What if when I’m dreaming I’m actually awake and vice-versa?

The last few nights I have been having long, intense, and vivid dreams. Most of them are normal life situations, just full of anxiety and scary people. After many nights or weeks of dreams like these, I start to have trouble differentiating memories from past dreams. Then I wonder what is real and what isn't. Then I wonder if I'm dreaming right now. Help.

2. I should start eating Cheetos with chopsticks.

It would totally get rid of that dusty post-chips finger problem. I mean, unless you like that sort of thing.

3. I wonder what it would be like to date a computer or robot.

In the last week I watched Her and Ex Machina for the first time. I'll probably elaborate more on this in a future post, but I have been really wondering if dating computers or artificial intelligence is actually a plausible thing in the near future. At least, I wonder if it will be at the level shown in the films. That would be pretty cool.

4. I think, therefore, I ham.

I honestly have no idea what this means. I just thought of the phrase and ham and it all went downhill from there.

5. Why is it called turkey bacon?

I enjoy it, but come on. It doesn't taste like bacon. It doesn't really look like bacon. It's kinda chewy. Just called it "not bacon," thanks.

6. They should make portable toilet seat covers but for wet bikes and benches.

I mean, if you just took a bunch of them from the gas station and put them in a Ziploc bag and then in your backpack, there you go. No more wet booty.

7. What if there IS a God but He actually didn’t arrive until the 1980s?

Again, I don't really know what this even means. Maybe imagine our universe was created from the Big Bang and then eventually at the height of 80s hair metal, God was born.

8. What if tv wrestling is real?

Honestly, it probably is. Don't even argue with me.

9. Is pico de gallo considered a salad?

I think so. If you went to someone's house for dinner and they set it on the table and you did not know what it was, your first move would probably be to start eating it with a fork or spoon.

10. *Take On Me by A-ha playing for 2 hours straight*

This was not so much a thought as it was an experience.

11. Why is that kid running. I should tell him to stop.

I'm sure other life guards can relate to this one big time. I stopped him dead in his tracks, by the way.

12. Who invented dogs?

Was it 80s hair God? Was it the Egyptians? I once told a girl I did after she told me she loved dogs. She didn't believe me, though.