I don't have anything against blondes. They can't help that they were born with beautiful golden locks that make them 1,678% more attractive. Y'all go have fun with ya bad selves. This one's for the brunettes who feel like they can't compete with blondes.

I go to a Southern school, and you know what Southern boys like more than Natural Lite, SEC football, and sweet tea? Blondes. I can actually call it at this point. It's like a scientific equation. It's a statistical fact. If I like a guy, he likes a blonde. This has been the case since high school. Just last night, I checked this guy's Snap story, annnnd he brought no other than a very attractive blonde to his date party. I knew she was blonde before I sobered up this morning and rechecked. It's fine. It's not her fault, she's hot. I would've been less irked if he brought a brunette. But it's fine.

I have black hair. Black, curly hair and brown eyes. I'm the anti-Bama. This happens a lot. So, I asked Google (and all of my drunk guy friends) why blondes are "better." (Besides the fact that I have to wear a light colored hat when I go out in the sun because my hair will get to 450 degrees).

1. "Blondes are rare."

That's BS. This is Alabama. Next...

2. "They just f*cking are."

3. "They're just better. 'Funner' and better."

4. "They're generally not fat."

5. "They offered me Xanax and cocaine."

Okay, man.

6. "They're more fun."

7. "Hugh Hefner said so."

8. "If you were to take the same face. The blonde would be hotter."

9. "Brunettes will murder you in your sleep. Blondes won't murder you in your sleep."

10. "They just f*cking are"

Yes, that again.

11. "Brunettes make more money. Blondes come from more money."

After listening to that, I've come to the conclusion that it probably has nothing to do with the color of my hair. So, to all of my friends, blonde or brunette, just know it has everything to do with nothing.

It has everything to with the fact that I'm crazy.