No one ever warned me about how my language and way of talking would change when I became a parent. I knew there would be some difficult conversations later on in life like the birds and bees and death, but I never thought I would have hilarious conversations with a three year old. Some of these conversations are absolutely ridiculous. However, most of the time, I’m just surprised at what I say. While some of these phrases are probably very common in every house hold with children, some of these are very specific phrases that will probably only happen in our house.

1. You cannot wipe my butt.


Seriously, I say this to our three year old on a regular basis. We are still potty training, so she goes with me to the bathroom every time just so I can make a huge deal about it. She still asks me if she can wipe my butt like a baby just about every time.

2. Quit licking the window.


If someone ever figures out the connection between kids and licking things, let me know. Windows, tables, cars, chalk – just a few of the things I’ve caught one of our kids licking. The list goes on and on.

3. No, that feminine hygiene pad is not a sticker.


This is one of those moments when I wish I had a candid camera. Our oldest walked out of the bathroom with a pad on her forehead saying she was so happy for her sticker. We let her walk around like that until she went to bed. No shame.

4. The mail lady doesn’t need to see your panties.


Personally, I love cute underwear. I remember in high school being so excited to get a job, just so I could get cute underwear. It was almost like cute underwear gave me some unknown confidence to get me through the day. Unfortunately, our girls have inherited the cute underwear gene. Every time we are outside and in panties, our oldest has the incessant need to let the mail lady know that she’s wearing cute panties.

5. Put the spider down.


Or the roly poly, worm, bird feather, ant, fly, etc. My kids love picking up everything. Part of me is fascinated by their lack of fear for insects, while the other part of me is screaming for the hand sanitizer.

6. The store doesn’t let me buy things when you ugly cry.

This is the line that comes out of my mouth when one of the girls starts throwing a fuss in the store. I’ve been known to walk out of the store with absolutely nothing, leaving my cart full of stuff in a random aisle, due to my kids having meltdowns. This line works just about every time and works in a matter of minutes.

7. Princesses don’t poop on themselves.


Two things: potty training and bribery.

8. Little Mermaid only comes out in the day time.


There was a brief period where The Little Mermaid ruled our home. From the time our oldest got up for the day until she went to bed, she breathed the sea life. She wanted red hair, the dress, swimming with the fish – she wanted it all. Eventually I told her that the movie doesn’t work at night.

9. Dog food does not belong in your mouth.

Pretty self-explainable. I’m sure that there are generations of parents that have said this to their children.

10. These are my boobies.


I never actually thought this would be a conversation to have with anyone, especially a child. However, there is a difference in a breastfed child and a bottle fed child. Choose your battles wisely. I am still telling our almost two year old that my boobies are mine and to leave them alone.

11. I’ve never been so happy to see you poop.

You'll say this too once your newborn has gone several days without pooping. You'll be so exhausted from lack of sleep, your ears will be ringing from constant screaming and all you'll want is a little relief for your baby.