11 Unexpected Parent Phrases

11 Unexpected Parent Phrases

You might be a parent if you say this.
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No one ever warned me about how my language and way of talking would change when I became a parent. I knew there would be some difficult conversations later on in life like the birds and bees and death, but I never thought I would have hilarious conversations with a three year old. Some of these conversations are absolutely ridiculous. However, most of the time, I’m just surprised at what I say. While some of these phrases are probably very common in every house hold with children, some of these are very specific phrases that will probably only happen in our house.

1. You cannot wipe my butt.


Seriously, I say this to our three year old on a regular basis. We are still potty training, so she goes with me to the bathroom every time just so I can make a huge deal about it. She still asks me if she can wipe my butt like a baby just about every time.

2. Quit licking the window.


If someone ever figures out the connection between kids and licking things, let me know. Windows, tables, cars, chalk – just a few of the things I’ve caught one of our kids licking. The list goes on and on.

3. No, that feminine hygiene pad is not a sticker.


This is one of those moments when I wish I had a candid camera. Our oldest walked out of the bathroom with a pad on her forehead saying she was so happy for her sticker. We let her walk around like that until she went to bed. No shame.

4. The mail lady doesn’t need to see your panties.


Personally, I love cute underwear. I remember in high school being so excited to get a job, just so I could get cute underwear. It was almost like cute underwear gave me some unknown confidence to get me through the day. Unfortunately, our girls have inherited the cute underwear gene. Every time we are outside and in panties, our oldest has the incessant need to let the mail lady know that she’s wearing cute panties.

5. Put the spider down.


Or the roly poly, worm, bird feather, ant, fly, etc. My kids love picking up everything. Part of me is fascinated by their lack of fear for insects, while the other part of me is screaming for the hand sanitizer.

6. The store doesn’t let me buy things when you ugly cry.

This is the line that comes out of my mouth when one of the girls starts throwing a fuss in the store. I’ve been known to walk out of the store with absolutely nothing, leaving my cart full of stuff in a random aisle, due to my kids having meltdowns. This line works just about every time and works in a matter of minutes.

7. Princesses don’t poop on themselves.


Two things: potty training and bribery.

8. Little Mermaid only comes out in the day time.


There was a brief period where The Little Mermaid ruled our home. From the time our oldest got up for the day until she went to bed, she breathed the sea life. She wanted red hair, the dress, swimming with the fish – she wanted it all. Eventually I told her that the movie doesn’t work at night.

9. Dog food does not belong in your mouth.

Pretty self-explainable. I’m sure that there are generations of parents that have said this to their children.

10. These are my boobies.


I never actually thought this would be a conversation to have with anyone, especially a child. However, there is a difference in a breastfed child and a bottle fed child. Choose your battles wisely. I am still telling our almost two year old that my boobies are mine and to leave them alone.

11. I’ve never been so happy to see you poop.

You'll say this too once your newborn has gone several days without pooping. You'll be so exhausted from lack of sleep, your ears will be ringing from constant screaming and all you'll want is a little relief for your baby.

Cover Image Credit: Tiffany R

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An Open Letter To The Friend Who Became My Sister

Love is thicker than blood.
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Sis,

There are friends. Then, there are best friends.

According to "Grey’s Anatomy’s" Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang, they're your person. The one who, “if I murdered someone, I’d call you to help me drag the corpse across the living room floor.” You’re so much more to me than any of those titles can express.

As I’ve matured throughout the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that good friends with good hearts serve an incredibly important purpose in our lives, going above and beyond what we give them credit and appreciation for.

The family we choose. You’re one of those.

The day we met, I knew that you were going to play an important role in my life. What I had no idea of was that you would join the cast of my life with a starring role.

First, I need to say thank you. Thank you for always coming to my locker to check in before class during high school. Thank you for letting me control the music on road trips. Thank you for sharing your family with me, and addressing my family as if you were born into it.

Thank you for patiently listening to the physical embodiment of a broken record when I complain about the same boy I’ve loved since senior year. Thank you for tagging along on every doctor’s appointment, grocery run, and trip to the post office, just because you know that I hate doing things alone.

Thank you for not thinking twice before dialing when I text you “please call me.” Thank you for never saying no to a coffee date. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for being my better half.

We don't share the same genetic makeup, but after all the sleepovers, heart-to-heart conversations, shopping until our bank accounts cry, and swapping clothes so often that we don’t know what belongs to whom, how could I not consider you family? We have shared some my fondest memories together, and I wouldn’t want them to feature anyone but you.

You’ve been with me on my best days, and loved me on my worst. You know how to make me laugh when all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die.

Picturing sitting in my car with you in the passenger seat makes me long for summer, where we spend three months together doing all of our favorite things. You’ve seen me naked, done my makeup, and warned me before making a poor decision. Being away from you for extended periods of time makes me feel incomplete.

You are a piece of me that I am not quite whole without. You taught me that blood doesn’t make a family; love does.

You know me better than I know myself, which is both amazing and terrifying. You make me realize I’m enough for this world, and that means more to me than I know how to express in the limited words that make up the English language.

You remind me that I am more than my mistakes, and you keep me grounded when I spiral out of control. You’ve helped me carry my burdens along with your own, even when the universe comes down on you full force, way harder than you deserve.

You’re the one I come to for the truth if I think my new dress makes me look fat, and I know you’ll be honest. I trust you with my whole heart. You know the gory details about every boy I’ve ever crushed on, every professor who was an absolute jerk, and every fight I’ve had with my mom.

I wouldn’t make it in this life without someone who already understands and listens to every thought going through my head and each thing I seriously over think, even when you know, though you don’t say, it won’t matter in a week.

With all these affectionate things being said, don’t forget our fights. The few we’ve had were very real. We still don’t see eye to eye on some events of the past, but I never told my mom about it because there was no need to make her choose a side between me and her “second daughter.

We have learned to move forward, because the love we have for each other overwhelmingly outweighs any disagreement we’ve had, and always will.

Through all the tears and laughs, I don’t think that anything the world has to offer could seriously come between us. You go to a different school than me now, and college has rudely gotten in the way of our routine of spending every waking moment together.

Since we met, we’ve grown separately without growing apart. Neither of us are the same person we used to be all those years ago. Even so, we’ve pushed each other to our limits and you’ve given me the courage to keep going and do things that make me happy.

We lean on each other when it’s been a bad day and all we want to do is to snuggle and indulge in whichever show the other is currently watching unceasingly and unabashedly for comfort (it’s the little things). Having you as my co-pilot on this crazy ride called life has been frustrating, exciting, slightly concerning, absolutely insane, and something I don’t know how I would live without, and I don’t intend to find out.

I’ll conclude this letter with a quote from every basic, white girl’s favorite musical, “I don’t know if I’ve been changed for the better, but because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”

Love you forever,

Your sis

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My Parent's Let Me Make Mistakes And I'm So Grateful They Did

Learning to deal with small let downs as a child instill me the values of hard work, gratitude, and appreciation.

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I am not a parent and I am not trying to say that there is one right way to raise children. I am just simply stating my appreciation for the way my parents raised me. I see kids as a part of my future. I want to be a mom (eventually). I am sure that when I become a mother there are things that I will do differently than my parents but this is something I hope to emulate.

I remember in 4th grade I had forgotten a homework assignment at school. My mother was also a 4th-grade teacher so I figured that since she had the same assignment in her teacher book, I could just use that. I was wrong. My mom told me to figure it out the way a child who didn't have extra access to the assignment would.

I remember being absolutely livid. I couldn't understand why my mom would not just simply give me an extra copy of the assignment. After all, it was much more work for her to drive me back to school so I could look for to there and to look for the number of my classmate's parent so I could call and ask my classmate to tell me the list of words or whatever it was that we needed to use.

After that though, I was much more responsible for bringing my homework wrong. Don't get me wrong, I was 10 so I'm sure I still forgot things plenty of times and if it was a particularly stressful time or every once and a while my parents would do things like give me the list of words.

For the most part, though they taught me that actions have consequences and to take responsibility for what I did. If I worked really hard but didn't get the grade I wanted my parents would acknowledge the effort and hard work I put in and then encourage me to think of other ways to study or to go speak with the teacher for help. My parents never called my teachers to complain about grades but they did encourage me and my brother to work harder next time, or if we thought the grade was truly unfair, to speak with the teacher ourselves.

This skill has helped me tremendously during the beginning of my adult life. I am able to respectfully voice my concerns to my professors, even when I don't get the outcome I want. Now that I have a job, I am able to speak with my bosses about concerns I have.

All of this being said, I am still a teenager. I made mistakes and my parents always gave consequences, that I hated at the time. I mean let's be honest what teenage girl likes losing her cell phone privileges. However, this just reinforced the notion that actions have consequences - good or bad.

I am so much more confident in myself and in my own abilities than I would have been otherwise. I still feel comfortable going to my parents with problems. My parents still offer me support and guidance but ultimately I know they trust me, and I trust my own abilities to be responsible and sure of my own decisions. I am able to articulate my thought process on decisions that maybe they might have felt differently about.

My parents and I are close. I appreciate all of their help and I really appreciate them providing a safe place for me to make mistakes and learn the consequence. I appreciate them helping shape me into the person I am today.

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