Let me start off by saying that you can die at any moment! Don't worry, we'll miss you, but please do be sure to make arrangements before you expire; this makes the whole "funeral" thing a lot easier for the living to organize. We wouldn't want to offend your memory by inviting the wrong people or displaying some truly ugly flower arrangements. So! let's start from square one: what's happening with the body?
There's always the good old fashioned burial, casket and all; while it does take up a lot of space, it's the preferred way for families to say their final goodbyes. Good to keep in mind if you're religious, or if you want the iconic "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust" spoken as your casket is lowered into the ground while strangers clad in black dab at their eyes with a tissue.
2. Finally, I Have a Hot Body
Cremation is generally less traumatizing for your loved ones, but a bit anticlimactic unless you store your ashes in something like Carrie Fisher's prozac pill -- there's also a teddy bear urn that's just begging for its own horror movie.
3. Life of Pi
Leave this Earth the same way you entered it: in the fetal position and covered in your own fluids. These egg-shaped burial pods are planted beneath a sapling, allowing it to use your corpse as nutrients. Imagine: instead of miles of marble and stone, a whole new forest of the dead! It has a nice cyclical feel to it, no?
4. Beam Me Up
This choose-your-own adventure gives you four options for your ashes: Launch to space and return to Earth, launch into Earth's orbit, launch to the moon, or into deep space, never to be seen again. Does this have to be exclusively for the dead? Asking for a friend.
5. Because, Baby. You ARE a Firework.
You tell people you want your service to be a celebration -- this'll show them that you mean it. This particular service mixes your ashes in with the fireworks, then takes your loved ones on a fancy yacht so they can watch you explode over the water. Great if you want to go out with a bang!
6. Mr. Sandman...
Simple, classy, affordable. Have your ashes made into an hourglass to remind your loved ones that their time is running out.
7. Girl's Best Friend
"An authentic diamond created from the ashes of your loved one." When your beloved widower proposes to his or her new partner, surprise them both with the revelation that the replacement will be walking down the aisle wearing the remains of the person they replaced.
8. [Insert Vintage Pun Here]
To prove one last time that you're edgy and introverted, have your ashy remains pressed into vinyl records or paint. Art imitates life? Please, step aside. My life is art.
9. The Ultimate Revenge
Nothing will ever be quite as poetic as having your death violently avenged. Heaven forbid you die an unlawful death, take precautions: arrange to have your ashes mixed in with the gunpowder of custom-made bullets. Entrust them to that One Friend. You know the one.
10. I'll Be There In Spirit
Nothing says dignified like spreading your ashes over a vineyard so they can someday, somehow, be a part of some stranger's wine.
11. Nothing Says "Rest in Peace" like XTRA Screamin' Dill Pickle
The guy who came up with the design for the Pringles Can is now buried in one. If there's anyone I want helping me cross the River Styx, it's the Pringles Man. He has the kind of face you can trust, you know?