"I'm Italian." For anyone who knows an Italian, dates an Italian, married an Italian, or is an Italian, hearing those two words is like music to their ears. Italians stick together. If you're Italian, biscotti points to you, we're friends. On the other hand, if you're not Italian, I just want to cook for you. While I'm not off the boat, my Grandpa was. He made sure that when he showed up to America, he created the legacy of meatballs, linguini and sassy Italian attitude to be passed down our long family tree.
1. Franzia is like a juice. Wait until you try the real stuff.
I'm not saying that I don't dabble in slap the bag or a cheap bottle of wine from the grocery store. What I am saying is that my cousin's wedding party favors were homemade bottles of wine, and one bottle of that will get you going a lot quicker than your Barefoot Moscato.
2. You have at least one Uncle Tony.
Everyone needed to name one of their sons Tony. He probably loves pizza, has somewhat of a New York accent, and has 2 plus other brothers with names like Paul, Marco, Giancarlo, James, Chris, or Mario.
3. Your Grandma makes a bomb cannoli.
Honestly, anything a Nonna, Nana, or Nani makes is bomb. I live for my Grandma's cooking. I can also assure you that I will be taking every single one of her recipes and putting them into a book and online database for the rest of generations to come. Sorry mom, your accordion file of cursive-written recipes aren't going to hold up for eternity.
4. If he hasn't proposed, he's not eating. Likewise, if he gets to eat, he will eventually propose.
Bare with me. Bringing someone home to a group of nosy, loud, but loving Italians is intimidating, so you most likely have sealed the deal that he's into you if you do this. If you haven't yet, you're just wasting a tray of your Mom's stuffed shells and bolognese, which is a horrible thing to do. However, they say "the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach." So if you haven't sealed the deal, consider it done now.
5. When we love, people or food, we love deep.
No, no one is going at it in the kitchen. We're just really enjoying our gelato.
6. Baci Chocolates were always in my packed lunch.
Because school food was gross, and there was nothing better than a Baci, or the overly cheesy Italian phrases that came in them. I call it the Italian fortune cookie.
7. Olive Garden is a poor excuse of an "Italian" fast-food restaurant.
Sorry breadstick lovers but my Nana would turn over in her grave if I stepped foot into that establishment.
8. You eat bologna, I eat prosciutto.
You feel me?
9. Your first Italian words were either "vaffanculo" or "oh dio"!
Everyone knows Italians have quite the mouth on them. We talk with our hands, we swear to god, and we are as verbal as we are physical. Don't mistake my yelling for being angry. I'm just excited.
10. You're yelled at if you don't eat "the bread."
Even if you attempt to conform a little to American ways and hold the carbs for once, Mom and Nana will squeeze the skin on your arm bones and say "Eat!", as though they are reminding you what a blessing it truly is to be Italian.