Everyone wants people to like them, even if they claim they don’t care. And at this time of year, as autumn rolls in and the summer officially ends, many people are beginning new school years, starting new jobs, or working on the last steps of that dreaded college essay. What do all these people have in common? They’re looking for something to distinguish them from the throng of other humans on the planet, something to set them apart. Being boring is a very real fear, but fortunately there are several ways to instantly become an interesting individual.
1. Mutter under your breath in a made-up language that resembles an easily identifiable language such as French or Russian. Do this with overt confidence, and when someone doesn’t understand you, roll your eyes and nod condescendingly. People will assume you are foreign and enigmatic, an unorthodox stranger. Those who speak the language your creation sounds like will not know what you are saying, and those who don’t will think you’re well educated. Ergo, everyone thinks you know something they don’t, and you’re the least overlookable person in the room.
2. Set up gopher traps around your room. When someone comes in, tell them not to speak too loudly because you’re worried the Gopher Emperor is listening. This is especially useful if you happen to live in a multistory apartment complex where your floor is not actually the ground.
3. Whenever you have a hood, wear it up and put on dark sunglasses. This will add to an aura of undeniable mystery, and those around you won’t know if you’re a spy or just some creeper in the corner booth. Whatever their assumptions, they’ll be constantly guessing, and you want them not to be able to talk or think about anything other than you.
4. Gallop everywhere you go. When you pass a pedestrian because you’re traveling much faster than they are, imitate the sound of a honking horn. This will help to avoid a traffic collision.
5. Drink nothing but tomato juice. Take it everywhere. Never be seen without it.
6. Sit in the middle of an elevator and don’t move for hours. You aren’t protesting anything or even trying to accomplish something, but people will notice someone peacefully sitting in the elevator all day. And I guarantee someone will put it on Snapchat or Twitter.
7. Make references to your favorite historical figure, Monsieur Anthony Jeepinsky. Speak of him like a long-lost friend, one you admire more than anyone who has ever lived. When people ask who he is, seem offended, scoff, and ask why they don’t know. When they Google him, tell them he doesn’t show up because "they" banned him from the Internet.
8. Bring a notebook everywhere with you. When someone says something mundane like “I’m going to go to the library,” mutter “hmmm” and jot it down.
9. Find the weirdest noise you can and make it regularly. If you sound like a coyote being burned at the stake or a wounded pterodactyl, count it as a success.
10. Or, you could just be yourself. You’re probably a pretty cool person as it is.